Gaining It All Back

When I hear about someone that has lost something I am compelled to ask God to help them gain back everything that they had lost. However, gaining back what you have lost is not always a positive thing. Back in 2009 I started a journey focused on losing the extra weight I had been carrying around since I was 11 years old. At a young age I had gained a rapid amount of weight and my poor parents didn't know what to do. After seeing several doctors and trying different homeopathic ways we gave up. No matter how many hours of water polo and swim practice I never lost weight. Sure, my eating habits were not the best, but compared to some of my friends they were way better. For years I begged God to just take it all away and make me like the other girls that could shop at normal size stores.

In fact I can remember sitting in my room when I was 13 deciding to never eat again. That lasted 3 weeks! Then it was years of eating and throwing up my food. My freshman year of college I knew where every bathroom was and when there wouldn't be people around to ask questions. To my surprise even this horrible habit didn't help. I stayed the same round ball I had got accustomed to. A close friend finally helped me realize the importance of eating food, but all that did was help me gain more weight.

During my time in YWAM I found myself struggling through the emotions behind the struggle of any eating disorder, specifically bulimia or anorexia. My tendency to eat and visit a bathroom was still there, but I fought like hell to ignore it and eventually it did go away. Until 2009.

I am not sure what the connection was but one summer night I found myself reverting back to old habits. I knew that if I didn't do something fast I would spiral down back to the same level of self deprecation as before and this time it could be much worse. That next morning I called my friend that was a personal trainer. The months we worked out together didn't really make much difference in my weight, but it sure did help me build muscle and tone my legs, arms, and butt. After 6 months I still hadn't lost a pound! 2 dress sizes but no weight was bitter sweet. I decided to get a hormone pallet to see if there was something deeper going on. Sure enough, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).

What exactly is PCOS? Polycystic ovary syndrome is a condition in which a woman has an imbalance of a female sex hormones. This may lead to menstrual cycle changes, cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other health changes like weight gain. Basically, my body has this imbalance of hormones my blood sugar levels are off.  Insulin is a hormone that helps your body's cells get the sugar they need for energy. Because other hormones are off my body doesn't know when to stop producing insulin. An excess amount of insulin in your body over time leads to weight gain, which can lead to diabetes if not taken care of. 

So with is information I started talking with the doctors about different medications I could get on to help me balance out. I was put on two different ones. One was to help balance the hormone and the other was to help with my appetite. Within one year I had lost 45 pounds! Then the next year I lost 25. I felt great and even managed to keep up with same exercise routine. 5 days a week I was teaching swimming or water aerobics so my body loved me. 

It wasn't until I moved to California in 2013 I realized just how important exercise really is for my body type specifically. I went from lots of movement, back to a desk job. Plus it didn't help that the last two years have been the most emotionally trying times of my life. The very thought of handling my weight has been overwhelming. I was lucky to fit into my wedding dress after gaining 30 pounds! Even this past year I have gained it all back. 

That is why I titled this gaining it all back. Sometimes the process of gaining things back is painful. We all have lost something and sometimes the last thing we want is to gain it back. I can't begin to describe the pain that I felt as I watched 3 years of my life go to waste. Going to the doctors every 6 months just to see the scale go up once again. However, as I start this new year I know that these years of struggle have not gone to waste. There is this sense that I have grown more as a person these past two years and that in itself has helped prepare me for the process of getting healthy once again. My identity is not tied to what size of pants I can fit into and it sure is not defined by what that stupid metal scale says at the doctors office.

Each new year I ask God to give me a word or phase to help guide my year. This year it is gaining it all back. I have this strong feeling that this year will help define who I really am more so than any other year and that these past few years will prove to of inexpressible worth through that process.

Embarking On Dream 1 of 10349

Why do I find it so compelling to express what I am thinking, feeling, or mulling over to the entire world on this blog. For the past few months I haven't written much, but that doesn't mean I haven't wanted too. Each time I sat down to write something, a still small voice would remind that it wasn't about trying to impress those that actually read what I write. The process of blogging has nothing to do with the reader, rather the writer. As self centered as that sounds I have found it to be true time and time again. I can't write to impress others, rather my writing has to come from a need to express how God is teaching me to walk about my faith. Once penned, the challenges and successes prove to be stones of remembrance for me. Things I can look back on for reference when the the storms get to intense to handle or the valley's too dull to catch my attention. 

Writing to me comes from a deep desire within to share my story. I have a picture hanging on my wall close to my front door reminding me that my story matters. Knowing that the experiences and thoughts that I have are important to share with others is key as I pursue writing my first book. I have been attempting to write my first book for years, but keep finding other things that take presentness. Back when I was living on the big island in Hawaii, I was a part of a writing class. Each week I had to write a chapter in my book and take it to a group of local writers for review. It was the most progress I have ever made towards achieving this dream. 

It is not that I don't want to achieve my dreams, I just keep putting other dreams in front of this major one. It is almost as if I am afraid that if I put a time frame on it I wont be satisfied with the result. I don't want to rush it so I just keep putting it off. I don't want to make a mistake so I sit back in fear, allowing the enemy to keep hold of my dream. Well, not any more. I am asking for accountability. I am going to commit to writing my book within the next 12 months. By this time next year I want to be at the point where I am figuring out how to publish my work, or at least a heck of a lot closer. If you are reading this, I need your help to propel me forward. Ask me, remind me, encourage me, and if you need to kick me in the right direction. Don't let me forget the things that I know God has put on my heart to accomplish. Hold me to a level greatness that I am I afraid to hold myself. I know I can do it and that fear is the only thing holding me back. 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 
2 Timothy 1:7 NLTSo don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matt 10:31 NIVThis is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9 NLT

Grateful,

Brandy Thiesen

Where I am at..

A few weeks back I had a conversation with someone that stung. Like the donkey in Shrek, my only response is that their words cut me deep. I haven't known how to handle all that they said, words that this person thought were so true and right, were not at all. They were hurtful and harsh, yet they were masked with words like, "I have been praying", "You know I am right", and "Others have noticed too." Instantly my defenses came up, which for me means silent tears. I wanted to react, tear into this person, but something stopped me. They were so wrong, yet for them it was pure truth. Nothing I said would change that. I couldn't defend myself, but it honestly was only out of selfish gain that I wanted too. What good would it have done to make them feel the same, to lay into them and make sure they felt the same pain as I did?

I politely hung up the phone and tried to go about my scheduled day. By the afternoon I was so emotionally spent that I took time off and just went home. Replaying the words that were spoken, probably misinterpreting them, making them way more harsh than they were meant to be, only made things worse. Poor Josh came over after work to a basket case of emotions and a rather pathetic attempt at dinner.

Days went by and it was still eating at me. I wanted to forgive and forget, but I also wanted to avenge myself. I picked up the phone to just let the person have it but heard a still small voice say, kill them with kindness. Not sure if that is a biblical concept, but it stopped me dead in my tracks. I had a change in thinking in that moment. No matter what I said to defend myself, somehow this person had come to this conclusion about me and I must have played into that. There must have been miscommunication between us and that is never one sided.  So like any "normal" person, I took this little nugget and twisted into something to help make me look better. If I stayed positive and put up a wall of defense, they would never know how much they hurt me. They would just be driven insane by the thought I didn't care what they thought and it made no difference.

Plan A failed... within 2 days I realized I was just making things worse and that Plan B would be even better, ignore them. Yep that was the best solution yet, if I didn't have any contact with them, they would realize how upset I was. Epic failure yet again. That plan never even took off long enough to last a day. How could I just ignore someone, that's just rude. So where am I at now? Well, I finally decided to look at scripture. Funny how that should have been my first plan, at least it made my top 3. :)

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6: 14-15)

The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him. (Daniel 9:9)

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:13)

Okay, so forgiveness comes from my Heavenly Father as a free gift. I am forgiven which means I should forgive others. But the interesting thing is in Mark 11:25.

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. (Mark 11:25)

I was not suppose to go to this person first, but to God. I was to have a conversation with my Father about how I was struggling to forgive them and duke it out with him, not the one that offended me. Why was that? If I had gone to this plan first, I would have realized that I love this person and could never imagine life without them in. I would have gained perspective on how my sin had played a part in this and how much I should stand in awe of the fact that His blood has washed me pure as snow. With perspective I can enter into forgiveness. I can walk forward towards reconciling with this person. We both have much to learn and it is only by Christ's blood that we both can stand and mend this relationship.

I just ask now for your prayers. Please pray that I can have grace and walk in the same forgiveness as Jesus does towards me.