Clinging to God in Solitude

For the past couple of days I've been pondering what life has been like after great loss. This past Sunday marked one year after Brian died. Although Brian wasn't a blood brother, he meant the same to me. In my mind I just always had two brothers, Will and Brian. At first there was sorrow, then confusion, anger, and finally acceptance. Now, there are the memories that I cherish and the moments when I just miss him.

Over the past year I've experienced other loses too. There seems to be a handful of loved ones over the past year that have moved on from my life and with their moving I've experienced a similar emotional process; sorrow, confusion, anger, and then finally acceptance. But I've also recognized what Henri Nouwen calls my need to cling to God in my Solitude.

When we enter into solitude to be with God alone, we quickly discover how dependent we are. Without the many distractions of our daily lives, we feel anxious and tense. When nobody speaks to us, calls on us, or needs our help, we start feeling like nobodies. Then we begin wondering whether we are useful, valuable, and significant. Our tendency is to leave this fearful solitude quickly and get busy again to reassure ourselves that we are "somebodies." But that is a temptation, because what makes us somebodies is not other people's responses to us but God's eternal love for us. To claim the truth of ourselves we have to cling to our God in solitude as to the One who makes us who we are.

Although this quote does not speak to the depth of pain one goes through when they have lost someone, it does give us a clear picture of how we can respond. When there is a void in our lives we often find ourselves in circumstances just like Henri Nouwen describes. We don't want to be alone. In fact, we find anyone and anything to help us run away from those moments of Solitude. There's this tendency to become dependent upon people's presences, drugs, alcohol, and even working out, rather than facing our loneliness and recognizing God's presence in the midst of it. There's a Relient K song that over the years has always spoken to me when I'm struggling to believe and trust that clinging to God through these times of almost forced solitude.


It is my prayer that as we all experience times of pain and lose that we turn our eyes to the one that can heal us and fill those empty spots in our hearts. Cling to the words found in Psalms and remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

Brandy