Over the past 4 months my life has been what most would describe as chaos. Actually, at times I would have to admit that I too have viewed it that way; however, my sustaining grace through all of the turmoil has allowed me to confidently walk each day knowing that the storm would not overpower my ship. During the darkest hours the passages in Mark have sprung off the page and brought the light that I needed to help guide me through the waves that seemed to be overtaking me.
Mark 4:35-41 New International Version (NIV)
35 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” 36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. 37 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped.38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.40 He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"41 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!
First, let's look at what kind of storm is being described here. The NIV describes it as a furious squall, the New American Standard says that there arose a fierce gale of wind, and the waves were breaking over the boat so much that the boat was already filling up. Does life ever feel this?
For me the rain started back in Dec. My mom had cancer and on my way to visit her my car broke down. What should have taken 12 hours took 23. I moved to Clovis, Ca to start the next chapter of my life, I had allowed myself to imagine what words would be written in this chapter just enough to get myself in trouble. My time here was suppose to just be until the counseling school at the Colorado Springs YWAM base started in April. In January I packed 2 masters classes into 6 weeks (bad idea). For six weeks every three days I had 2 ten page papers due. Somewhere in the midst of that I decided to put the school on hold and stick around Clovis for at least 2 years. I was able to transition into a new job and create some sort of routine; however, two weekends right off the bat were spent down in San Diego with my family as my mom went through the surgery and process of getting rid of the cancer.
Already feeling the waves getting stronger from the storm, February hit. Josh's parents were both sick with the flu, my dad was admitted to the hospital because his kidneys were having a reaction to his medications. For weeks it was nothing but sickness. I ended up with pink eye in both eyes, ear infections, and a small dose of the flu. My dad got better but had to go back to hospital to get some of his drugs regulated. All the while, Josh's mom was slowly getting better and his dad was getting worse. On February 12th we took his dad to the hospital. They sedated him and had to hook him up to a machine that pumped his blood for him. As the waters kept on rising and the waves seemed to hit the sides of my boat with such force I had no option but to cling to promises that God would calm the store.
March didn't let up. My dad was out of the hospital only to get admitted again with the same stuff Josh's dad had. His oxygen levels were pretty low and the doctors were super concerned. What was I suppose to do, I wanted to be in both places. Supporting Josh and his mom was a priority but so was supporting my parents. How could I be in both places at once. The waves were huge and sadly I took a hit on March 8th as Josh's dad passed away. It hurt and has definitely left some damage. Two days after his dad passed away my dad got worse. My mom called and as she told me how bad things were I just cried out to God. What was I too do?!?!?!?
Rest...
Rest, seriously. In the midst of so much the Lord is telling me to rest.
Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
In the midst of such heart ache and down pour Jesus is asking me to let him rain down his peace and rest. To lean into his heart and know that everything will be okay. To find rest in the midst of the storm like He did as the disciples scrambled around the boat in the storm. I have definitely had those moments of screaming out to God, "Don't you care if we drown?" Don't you see God that my spirit is about to brake and this boat you've given me can't handle any more damage from these waves?
So, I wish I could report that the storm has finally calmed and that the Lord has led me by streams of still water, but it hasn't. My dad got out of the hospital and is now back in the hospital. Josh and his family are still trying to process through all of this and with each waking minute I feel the waters crashing around me. But what I can tell you.... without the rest of the Lord I wouldn't be nearly as calm or capable to walk through this season of my life. I trust that my Lord can calm the seas when he sees fit and I will hold on for dear life until that day.
Praying that you too can find rest for your soul as you face today's storm. Don't lose heart for
these momentary trails are producing an eternal weight of glory far beyond comparison.
Love,
Brandy
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