Forgiving in the Name of God

Earlier this week I wrote about how we need to look at our hearts before we form bitterness and anger towards someone who has offended us. I didn't present a 10 step program on how to forgive someone because honestly there isn't one. Anyone that has truly been wounded will tell you that there is no rhyme or reason to their logic or emotions. All they know is the feelings that come from being hurt; rejection, abandonment, abuse, manipulated suck. Take a look at today's section from one of Henri Nouwen's books.

We are all wounded people. Who wounds us? Often those whom we love and those who love us. When we feel rejected, abandoned, abused, manipulated, or violated, it is mostly by people very close to us: our parents, our friends, our spouses, our lovers, our children, our neighbors, our teachers, our pastors. Those who love us wound us too. That's the tragedy of our lives. This is what makes forgiveness from the heart so difficult. It is precisely our hearts that are wounded. We cry out, "You, who I expected to be there for me, you have abandoned me. How can I ever forgive you for that?"

Forgiveness often seems impossible, but nothing is impossible for God. The God who lives within us will give us the grace to go beyond our wounded selves and say, "In the Name of God you are forgiven." Let's pray for that grace.

For years I struggle with forgiving certain people in my life; however, it wasn't for the things that they did but rather the things that they didn't do. It is that list of feelings that I mentioned earlier. Because they didn't provide for me, accept me, or stick close to me when I needed them my heart towards them became wounded. That wounded heart began to control my actions, thoughts, and above all my emotions. When I was 20 my heart had been so wounded that I can remember making the decision to become calloused, to shut out the world by building a strong tower of hatred and bitterness.

Man did this tower come equipped with the best defenses. I bet I even put up a moat around the perimeter that housed hundreds of alligators just in case someone thought of trying to break through.

To my surprise that didn't help! I was still broken and wounded, still felt the initial blows of rejection and abandonment, and still wanted so badly to have someone tell me that they would never fail me.

About a year later I was praying and asking God to help me through all of this, to help me start the process of forgiveness. I can remember that night so vividly because it was the night that I had my first dream that I believe was from God. In my dream there was a man walking far off in the distance, coming directly towards my tower. I was up front and center, ready to fight. All the sudden the man stopped... knelt down very calmly and put his hand in his pocket. Confused by these actions I yelled out, "Who are you, what do you want". With no reply he stood to his feet, took his hand out of his pocket and through a grenade right at my tower.

The explosion was quick, as the walls of my tower crumbled from the blast there wasn't any pain. I was expecting to hit the ground and feel the pain of my bodies impact but I didn't. I felt something warm and finally opening my eyes, realized that this man was holding me.

As my eyes adjusted I panicked, within seconds I jumped up and started to rebuild the walls. Grabbing for anything that would protect me from being exposed and vulnerable. After a few bricks had been piled back on top of each other, I felt a hand on my shoulder and a soft voice that demanded me to stop.

This voice was so clear, "You will not need these bricks anymore, let's rebuild with mine. I'll help you and teach you what it means to truly be protected."

Then I woke up!

Later that day I was reading in my bible and came across this scripture.

"Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of my Hands; your walls are continually before Me. Your builders hurry; your destroyers and devastators will depart from you. Lift up your eyes and look around; all of them gather together, they come to you. As I live," declares the Lord, "You will surely put on all of them as jewels and bind them on as a bride. For your waster and desolate places and your destroyed land-- surely now you will be too cramped for the inhabitants, and those who swallowed you will be far away.... " Isaiah 49:16-23

As I read over this passage I knew that it was time to start the process of forgiveness. To turn to the Lord and have him help me forgive those that had wounded me was my only option if I truly wanted to live. Now five years later I can testify that walking in the way of the cross is the only way to truly live. It is my prayer that you would allow the Lord to help you destroy the walls of bitterness and anger within you and that you and Him together would rebuild your foundation. That you would allow your heart to be softened by his grace and mercy, so that you may truly learn what it means to live.