August 5, 2000 while sitting in a small church I bowed my head, prayed that I would learn what it meant to live my life for this Jesus guy the pastor had been talking about for four days. 11 years later thats still my prayer; however, that Jesus guy has not only revealed himself to me, but has proven to be more loving, merciful, and glorious than I could have ever imagined. My road was not one that would be classified as a Damascus one. Unlike Paul, I did not have years of biblical knowledge; in fact, I can remember a friend offering to give me her children's bible with all the books tagged and essential verses highlighted.
As the years pasted my knowledge and understanding expanded, but my prayer remained the same. Constantly praying that Jesus would become more real to me and that I would reflect who He was to others, lead me to bible study after bible study. I am grateful for the youth leaders that invested their lives into us youth, as we dedicated our time and energy to several Beth Moore bible studies and even to forming a worship team. The church became my home. If I wasn't at the church practicing for worship, I was sitting at Starbucks with friends from church talking about the bible.
Those first few years were full of tremendous excitement and growth. All the while my heart struggled to understand and grasp God's need for Jesus to die as my Savior. Actually, it wasn't that I didn't know it or believe it but rather I had little appreciation for what it meant in my life and others. I had been a good kid my whole life, not really committing any "major" sins and growing up Jehovah's Witness only added flame to my tendency to try to prove myself before God. Earning my salvation was a natural reaction for me as I continued to "play" church those first few years.
Heading off to college, I found myself surrounded by tons of people that called themselves Christians but slept around, got drunk, did drugs, and were all together not concerned with the things of Christ. Yet they seemed to comprehend a side of Jesus that I had never known. His grace and mercy on their lives was always acknowledge and yet their hearts refused to be softened to his commandments to stop sinning. Caught between my desire to know Jesus and yet somehow still earn my salvation, my whole understanding of what it meant to be a Christian was in jeopardy. In January 2006 I decided to go into missions. I am not sure if it was to solidify all of this or to run away from it, but either way God used it to transform my heart.
With mixed motives, I'd like to say that I wanted to share Jesus with others because I understood their deep spiritual need for His blood for salvation, but it was more as a way to once again earn my salvation. Wasn't I suppose to go door to door and proclaim the good news... Jehovah's Witness thinking kept creeping. As we studied who God was and each aspect of our triune God, I was brought to my knees in repentance. Not as dramatically as Paul but in the exact way that God knew I needed to approach it. I had spent 6 years studying and living in a tower built with my own walls of self effort and understanding, it was during those years in YWAM that God destroyed my towers and began teaching me, building with me walls made out of His love, grace, and true salvation.
Like Paul my worldview needed to shift and as Jesus revealed how wretched and truly sinful I was, my heart softened and began to point me towards my only true hope, Jesus Christ. Not that I have obtained a complete understanding of all of this, but I continue to press on towards the goal. My prayer still remains the same, that I would get know this Jesus guy. Without that, I truly have no hope.
May the God of this universe bring you to a deeper understanding of how much His salvation truly does mean to your eternal hope.
Brandy
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