Running From Jesus

I have been a Christian for 13 years. Back in August of 2000 I can remember praying that God would come into my life and help me to live for him, regardless of my motives or naive perspective I know that day was the day that changed my life forever. It brought me face to face with who I was and what I was running from. I didn't know that the journey that I would be taken on would have ups and downs, twists and turns, and red lights at times, but I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that this God that I had been hearing about would truly supply all my needs as long as I sought first His kingdom and righteousness.

For months after I was attending Cornerstone Church of Escondido, I would also head down to the Rock in San Diego. Each Sunday night I would feel this overwhelming feeling of needing to accept all over again the same truth I had heard the week prior. Some how in the 7 days between I had decided to run again. Was it out of habit, fear, or stupidity that I found myself turned around again, needing to desperately repent? Out of desperation I walked to the front each week, for 6 weeks! It was not until one of my dearest friends said that I didn't need to go forward each week, I was not accepting Christ for the first time. Dumbfounded and a little embarrassed I stopped going up and in that moment I have often thought I lost a little bit of God's heart for mine. In the first year of my walk with Jesus I was so in love with Him. I couldn't get enough! Had I kept going forward, repenting, pleading with God to help me not to run, would I be closer to Him today. Would I still struggle with the same tendency to run and hide when I have hurt Him? What used to take 7 days could have been reduced to minutes, had I kept the discipline of repentance, but instead I find that it takes weeks or even months to allow God to truly show me the sin in certain areas of my life.

In fact, it took me about 4 weeks to finally sit down and write this blog. As I finished my work out this morning I was struck by this sense that I had to be sitting in front of the computer by 8 am to write or else. Not sure what the or else would have been and when you're dealing with the God of this universe you don't really want to find out. So here I am, waiting to hear God just lay into me. To remind me once again of how I have failed Him, neglected my relationship, not called on Him, emailed Him, facebooked Him, or texted. He tried over and over again to get a hold of me and I just ignored Him. If I sat down with Him this morning I assumed that he would remind of the same things I already felt condemned about. How could I say I have been a Christian for 13 years when there seemed to be this huge void in our relationship. Isn't that the difference between Christianity and other religions, the relationship? Shouldn't I know that and practice that? Others are watching, I need to set a good example of what it means to be a Jesus lover, right?

Wrong!!!!! As I listed off all of this things that I truly sucked at, all I heard was "Brandy I love you! Shut up." Now, whether or not God could actually use that language is another debate, worthy of a blog in the future, but for now we will just let it go. For 15 minutes all I heard was how God had not left me or abandoned me in this hell whole. I was not alone, responsible for figuring it all out, earning more money to pay off my debt, or even needing to do double workouts to get healthy. I needed to rest in my Papa's arms, let Him show off. He wanted to pay off my student loans, credit cards, and even car loan. He wanted to provide for me an amazing husband in His timing, one who would show me just how much His love for me abounded and stood the test of time. Through all of the ups and downs, twists and turns, and even red lights, His love never stopped pouring out. His reach was never too far from my running that I couldn't turn around and find Him right there.

So, as I walk on this journey of unexpectedness I ask that you who are walking alongside me challenge me. Challenge me to see God in each moment, run back to him in the dark and light hours of each day, and fall madly in love Him each minute. As you do, I am positive that God will do the same for you. He will use me to challenge you, hold you up, and remind you that there is grace for this life, joy in the morning, and a hope for the future. We are not abandoned by our true Heavenly Father, we just need to stop running from Him.

Brandy