Gaining It All Back

When I hear about someone that has lost something I am compelled to ask God to help them gain back everything that they had lost. However, gaining back what you have lost is not always a positive thing. Back in 2009 I started a journey focused on losing the extra weight I had been carrying around since I was 11 years old. At a young age I had gained a rapid amount of weight and my poor parents didn't know what to do. After seeing several doctors and trying different homeopathic ways we gave up. No matter how many hours of water polo and swim practice I never lost weight. Sure, my eating habits were not the best, but compared to some of my friends they were way better. For years I begged God to just take it all away and make me like the other girls that could shop at normal size stores.

In fact I can remember sitting in my room when I was 13 deciding to never eat again. That lasted 3 weeks! Then it was years of eating and throwing up my food. My freshman year of college I knew where every bathroom was and when there wouldn't be people around to ask questions. To my surprise even this horrible habit didn't help. I stayed the same round ball I had got accustomed to. A close friend finally helped me realize the importance of eating food, but all that did was help me gain more weight.

During my time in YWAM I found myself struggling through the emotions behind the struggle of any eating disorder, specifically bulimia or anorexia. My tendency to eat and visit a bathroom was still there, but I fought like hell to ignore it and eventually it did go away. Until 2009.

I am not sure what the connection was but one summer night I found myself reverting back to old habits. I knew that if I didn't do something fast I would spiral down back to the same level of self deprecation as before and this time it could be much worse. That next morning I called my friend that was a personal trainer. The months we worked out together didn't really make much difference in my weight, but it sure did help me build muscle and tone my legs, arms, and butt. After 6 months I still hadn't lost a pound! 2 dress sizes but no weight was bitter sweet. I decided to get a hormone pallet to see if there was something deeper going on. Sure enough, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).

What exactly is PCOS? Polycystic ovary syndrome is a condition in which a woman has an imbalance of a female sex hormones. This may lead to menstrual cycle changes, cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other health changes like weight gain. Basically, my body has this imbalance of hormones my blood sugar levels are off.  Insulin is a hormone that helps your body's cells get the sugar they need for energy. Because other hormones are off my body doesn't know when to stop producing insulin. An excess amount of insulin in your body over time leads to weight gain, which can lead to diabetes if not taken care of. 

So with is information I started talking with the doctors about different medications I could get on to help me balance out. I was put on two different ones. One was to help balance the hormone and the other was to help with my appetite. Within one year I had lost 45 pounds! Then the next year I lost 25. I felt great and even managed to keep up with same exercise routine. 5 days a week I was teaching swimming or water aerobics so my body loved me. 

It wasn't until I moved to California in 2013 I realized just how important exercise really is for my body type specifically. I went from lots of movement, back to a desk job. Plus it didn't help that the last two years have been the most emotionally trying times of my life. The very thought of handling my weight has been overwhelming. I was lucky to fit into my wedding dress after gaining 30 pounds! Even this past year I have gained it all back. 

That is why I titled this gaining it all back. Sometimes the process of gaining things back is painful. We all have lost something and sometimes the last thing we want is to gain it back. I can't begin to describe the pain that I felt as I watched 3 years of my life go to waste. Going to the doctors every 6 months just to see the scale go up once again. However, as I start this new year I know that these years of struggle have not gone to waste. There is this sense that I have grown more as a person these past two years and that in itself has helped prepare me for the process of getting healthy once again. My identity is not tied to what size of pants I can fit into and it sure is not defined by what that stupid metal scale says at the doctors office.

Each new year I ask God to give me a word or phase to help guide my year. This year it is gaining it all back. I have this strong feeling that this year will help define who I really am more so than any other year and that these past few years will prove to of inexpressible worth through that process.

Embarking On Dream 1 of 10349

Why do I find it so compelling to express what I am thinking, feeling, or mulling over to the entire world on this blog. For the past few months I haven't written much, but that doesn't mean I haven't wanted too. Each time I sat down to write something, a still small voice would remind that it wasn't about trying to impress those that actually read what I write. The process of blogging has nothing to do with the reader, rather the writer. As self centered as that sounds I have found it to be true time and time again. I can't write to impress others, rather my writing has to come from a need to express how God is teaching me to walk about my faith. Once penned, the challenges and successes prove to be stones of remembrance for me. Things I can look back on for reference when the the storms get to intense to handle or the valley's too dull to catch my attention. 

Writing to me comes from a deep desire within to share my story. I have a picture hanging on my wall close to my front door reminding me that my story matters. Knowing that the experiences and thoughts that I have are important to share with others is key as I pursue writing my first book. I have been attempting to write my first book for years, but keep finding other things that take presentness. Back when I was living on the big island in Hawaii, I was a part of a writing class. Each week I had to write a chapter in my book and take it to a group of local writers for review. It was the most progress I have ever made towards achieving this dream. 

It is not that I don't want to achieve my dreams, I just keep putting other dreams in front of this major one. It is almost as if I am afraid that if I put a time frame on it I wont be satisfied with the result. I don't want to rush it so I just keep putting it off. I don't want to make a mistake so I sit back in fear, allowing the enemy to keep hold of my dream. Well, not any more. I am asking for accountability. I am going to commit to writing my book within the next 12 months. By this time next year I want to be at the point where I am figuring out how to publish my work, or at least a heck of a lot closer. If you are reading this, I need your help to propel me forward. Ask me, remind me, encourage me, and if you need to kick me in the right direction. Don't let me forget the things that I know God has put on my heart to accomplish. Hold me to a level greatness that I am I afraid to hold myself. I know I can do it and that fear is the only thing holding me back. 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 
2 Timothy 1:7 NLTSo don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matt 10:31 NIVThis is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9 NLT

Grateful,

Brandy Thiesen

Where I am at..

A few weeks back I had a conversation with someone that stung. Like the donkey in Shrek, my only response is that their words cut me deep. I haven't known how to handle all that they said, words that this person thought were so true and right, were not at all. They were hurtful and harsh, yet they were masked with words like, "I have been praying", "You know I am right", and "Others have noticed too." Instantly my defenses came up, which for me means silent tears. I wanted to react, tear into this person, but something stopped me. They were so wrong, yet for them it was pure truth. Nothing I said would change that. I couldn't defend myself, but it honestly was only out of selfish gain that I wanted too. What good would it have done to make them feel the same, to lay into them and make sure they felt the same pain as I did?

I politely hung up the phone and tried to go about my scheduled day. By the afternoon I was so emotionally spent that I took time off and just went home. Replaying the words that were spoken, probably misinterpreting them, making them way more harsh than they were meant to be, only made things worse. Poor Josh came over after work to a basket case of emotions and a rather pathetic attempt at dinner.

Days went by and it was still eating at me. I wanted to forgive and forget, but I also wanted to avenge myself. I picked up the phone to just let the person have it but heard a still small voice say, kill them with kindness. Not sure if that is a biblical concept, but it stopped me dead in my tracks. I had a change in thinking in that moment. No matter what I said to defend myself, somehow this person had come to this conclusion about me and I must have played into that. There must have been miscommunication between us and that is never one sided.  So like any "normal" person, I took this little nugget and twisted into something to help make me look better. If I stayed positive and put up a wall of defense, they would never know how much they hurt me. They would just be driven insane by the thought I didn't care what they thought and it made no difference.

Plan A failed... within 2 days I realized I was just making things worse and that Plan B would be even better, ignore them. Yep that was the best solution yet, if I didn't have any contact with them, they would realize how upset I was. Epic failure yet again. That plan never even took off long enough to last a day. How could I just ignore someone, that's just rude. So where am I at now? Well, I finally decided to look at scripture. Funny how that should have been my first plan, at least it made my top 3. :)

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6: 14-15)

The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him. (Daniel 9:9)

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:13)

Okay, so forgiveness comes from my Heavenly Father as a free gift. I am forgiven which means I should forgive others. But the interesting thing is in Mark 11:25.

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. (Mark 11:25)

I was not suppose to go to this person first, but to God. I was to have a conversation with my Father about how I was struggling to forgive them and duke it out with him, not the one that offended me. Why was that? If I had gone to this plan first, I would have realized that I love this person and could never imagine life without them in. I would have gained perspective on how my sin had played a part in this and how much I should stand in awe of the fact that His blood has washed me pure as snow. With perspective I can enter into forgiveness. I can walk forward towards reconciling with this person. We both have much to learn and it is only by Christ's blood that we both can stand and mend this relationship.

I just ask now for your prayers. Please pray that I can have grace and walk in the same forgiveness as Jesus does towards me.

Depressed... listen to some music

Last week a friend asked me how long I had been depressed. Interesting enough, as I sat there like a deer caught in head lights, I began to feel tears run down my cheeks. This friend was not someone that I would have expected to pick up on what I had been so disparately trying to stuff down, now I sat on the couch completely exposed. Was it obvious, were others noticing too, how in the world did I let the cat out of the bag?  

The next day I asked my sister what her thoughts were on my friends statement, "Well Brandy, I'd say since earlier this year." WHAT! She's known all of this time, I must suck at misdirection. Definitely never going to try my hand at the poker table. I knew I was displaying all the signs of someone depressed but I had no clue that others knew as well. Ironically, as it all sunk in, I knew it was time to face this thing head on. 

On Sunday morning's I have been starting to lead worship for our church group, a gift from God that seems to haunt me at times. I am always asked to start leading worship when I am having the hardest time laying myself down at the foot of the cross. Knowing and living in the fear of wasting my talents I reluctantly say yes, and most of the time realize that God wanted to use this opportunity to finally brake through my man made barriers and slowly give me a glimpse of who he was to me in the midst of my emotional turmoil. 

The Great Reformer, Martin Luther, once was reported to have said, 

“Music is a noble gift of God, next to theology.  I would not change my little knowledge of music for a great deal.” (Conversations with Luther, p. 99, as provided in A Compend of Luther’s Theology, edited by Hugh Thomson Kerr, Jr).

What is it about music that Martin Luther embraced? I am starting to think that it is the power it has to draw us out of depression and set out face upon the only true source of healing. One of his most famous hymns is A Might Fortress is Out God, taken from the pages of Psalms 46, Luther wrote a beautiful piece of music declaring how God was to be our refuge and strength, the one we turned to for help. In fact, he wrote 35 other hymns, each declaring the Lord's majesty and our need to constantly be drawn back to Him. 

We also see the same display of music as therapy in the life of King David. Over and over again the Psalms are filled with lyrics that were sung by the Hebrew men and women. We see David pour out his heart while hiding in the caves from those that would seek to kill him. It is Psalm 139 that makes me wonder the most about how David used music to lift up his spirit during times of depression. In this psalm David declares that he wants the Lord to search him and known him. He recognizes the Lord's hand in his life and calls upon him to dispel the darkness by bringing the light. He marvels at the fact that he was fearfully and wonderfully made and reminds himself of just how much God has put into creating him. Like most Psalms, he wraps it up by laying his request before the throne of the Lord. He had developed a hatred for the men of wickedness and righteously cried out for God to make that hatred a perfect hatred, not a selfish one. 

The final two verses are worth memorizing, 

Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (23-24)

As I recall the statement from my friend and my sister's knowledge of how depressed I really have been, I remember that knowledge is half the battle. Just because I admit I am depressed I can't expect it to go away, what I can expect is that the Lord, if I am willing, will heal me, bring peace, and shine joy into the dark, dry areas. So it is with great confidence that I utter the same words that David boldly penned... Search me, O God. 

Romans 8: 26-30

In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He alsojustified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

Brandy

1 in 5 people in a soup kitchen line is a child.

I just got finished watching a TV show that pointed out the importance of honoring our war vets. The particular honored man was found died in a park in DC from weather exposer, being homeless of course instigated these conditions and gave a perfect frame to the show's writer. The man on the park bench represented a story of a man that had fought for this country and for some unknown reason died in one of the most dishonoring ways; cold, dirty, and alone. The only family that he had was another homeless brother, who only found out about his brother 's death because another man took the time to find him and tell him. This other man also took this opportunity to attempt to honor the war vets efforts by scheduling a proper funeral service.

So what does all of this have to do with children standing in a soup kitchen line? Of course my heart went out to this man and all of the other homeless men and women out there. After watching the show I felt motivated to do something, anything to help these people. I would love to say that I was motivated to share Christ's love with them, but honestly I just can't stand the idea that people are freezing at night, because they hear from the shelters that in like Mary and Joseph, there's no more room in the inn.

My first google search was "homeless facts in America" and low and behold I came across a site that definitely made my jaw drop. There were many facts that I already was well aware of; however, three of them stood out like a sore thumb. 

1. The average age of a homeless person in the United States is nine years old.

2. Nationally, one in five people in a soup kitchen line is a child.

3. Less than 6% of the homeless are homeless by choice.

Seriously, how is it possible to be one of the most influential countries and at the same time have these facts ring true of your homeland. I originally thought I would find facts on old war vets being the average age of a homeless person, or making up the majority of the soup kitchen lines.  Not that it was a 9 yr old child, starving, uneducated, and forced to live on the streets! What is our nation coming too!!!!!!! 

Okay, I can't just sit back and let this happen, right? I should rise up and do something to change these kids lives, to change the destiny of a child by giving them food, shelter, and an opportunity to walk into their original design by God. But what?!?!? I could become a teacher? or social worker? I could volunteer at a soup kitchen? I could donate money to other non-profits? Or I could continue to rely on the government to collect tax dollars to go towards taking care of a problem that I am too lazy to fight myself, while at the same time complaining that the Obama care doesn't make since when I bet it is a direct response to this problem. 

I used to have a negative opinion of the free lunch program at schools, mostly because I more concerned about my pocket book continuing to grow slim than the mouths it was actually feeding. Now I see that I'm wrong, maybe these programs aren't started to steal my money, but instead they are someone else's attempt to solve this problem in our country. Maybe next time I open my mouth to vomit yet another one of my negative political opinions, I will do some research to see who really is benefiting from the politicians efforts; however, misguided they may seem to be, I can not for one second say I wouldn't do the same if I had some power to help these children. 

I would love to hear how you think we should approach this problem in our country. What are you doing to fight for the orphans in your neighborhood? And what do you think I should do? 

"Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world." (James 1:27) 

Brandy 

Running From Jesus

I have been a Christian for 13 years. Back in August of 2000 I can remember praying that God would come into my life and help me to live for him, regardless of my motives or naive perspective I know that day was the day that changed my life forever. It brought me face to face with who I was and what I was running from. I didn't know that the journey that I would be taken on would have ups and downs, twists and turns, and red lights at times, but I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that this God that I had been hearing about would truly supply all my needs as long as I sought first His kingdom and righteousness.

For months after I was attending Cornerstone Church of Escondido, I would also head down to the Rock in San Diego. Each Sunday night I would feel this overwhelming feeling of needing to accept all over again the same truth I had heard the week prior. Some how in the 7 days between I had decided to run again. Was it out of habit, fear, or stupidity that I found myself turned around again, needing to desperately repent? Out of desperation I walked to the front each week, for 6 weeks! It was not until one of my dearest friends said that I didn't need to go forward each week, I was not accepting Christ for the first time. Dumbfounded and a little embarrassed I stopped going up and in that moment I have often thought I lost a little bit of God's heart for mine. In the first year of my walk with Jesus I was so in love with Him. I couldn't get enough! Had I kept going forward, repenting, pleading with God to help me not to run, would I be closer to Him today. Would I still struggle with the same tendency to run and hide when I have hurt Him? What used to take 7 days could have been reduced to minutes, had I kept the discipline of repentance, but instead I find that it takes weeks or even months to allow God to truly show me the sin in certain areas of my life.

In fact, it took me about 4 weeks to finally sit down and write this blog. As I finished my work out this morning I was struck by this sense that I had to be sitting in front of the computer by 8 am to write or else. Not sure what the or else would have been and when you're dealing with the God of this universe you don't really want to find out. So here I am, waiting to hear God just lay into me. To remind me once again of how I have failed Him, neglected my relationship, not called on Him, emailed Him, facebooked Him, or texted. He tried over and over again to get a hold of me and I just ignored Him. If I sat down with Him this morning I assumed that he would remind of the same things I already felt condemned about. How could I say I have been a Christian for 13 years when there seemed to be this huge void in our relationship. Isn't that the difference between Christianity and other religions, the relationship? Shouldn't I know that and practice that? Others are watching, I need to set a good example of what it means to be a Jesus lover, right?

Wrong!!!!! As I listed off all of this things that I truly sucked at, all I heard was "Brandy I love you! Shut up." Now, whether or not God could actually use that language is another debate, worthy of a blog in the future, but for now we will just let it go. For 15 minutes all I heard was how God had not left me or abandoned me in this hell whole. I was not alone, responsible for figuring it all out, earning more money to pay off my debt, or even needing to do double workouts to get healthy. I needed to rest in my Papa's arms, let Him show off. He wanted to pay off my student loans, credit cards, and even car loan. He wanted to provide for me an amazing husband in His timing, one who would show me just how much His love for me abounded and stood the test of time. Through all of the ups and downs, twists and turns, and even red lights, His love never stopped pouring out. His reach was never too far from my running that I couldn't turn around and find Him right there.

So, as I walk on this journey of unexpectedness I ask that you who are walking alongside me challenge me. Challenge me to see God in each moment, run back to him in the dark and light hours of each day, and fall madly in love Him each minute. As you do, I am positive that God will do the same for you. He will use me to challenge you, hold you up, and remind you that there is grace for this life, joy in the morning, and a hope for the future. We are not abandoned by our true Heavenly Father, we just need to stop running from Him.

Brandy

I was going to say tomorrow

There is something strangely scary about following the voice of the Lord. Whether it is intuition or in some sort of blatant form (audible or from our circumstances), the voice of the Lord can lead you into situations that seem utterly crazy.

7 months ago I drove up to a fence of a home that I had visited 2 times before; however, this time my car was stuffed and anticipation was high. The Thiesen family had offered me a job for a few months and since my boyfriend was a part of the family business it made sense to move there instead of him moving to Colorado. What I thought would be an easy transition, turned out to be the toughest few months of my life.  Quickly getting settled down and comfortable never really happened. In fact, until this past week I would say I have lived out of my car, boxes, and plastic tubs. Sure I had a bed in two different homes, but most of my belongings were packed and stored away in my car or in the attic with Josh's stuff. At first it was okay, the plan was just to be here a few months before returning to Colorado; however, that changed after a few weeks. All the sudden that still small voice began to speak of staying longer, holding off on doing the counseling school with YWAM, and really focusing on getting out of debt.

In the midst of the first month I knew me moving to Clovis, Ca was not just because I had a job that would use my education, or even because my boyfriend just happened to be there. February and March brought challenges that I had never experienced before. In fact, this whole years has helped me discover an aspect of life that I never struggled with before. What if what we think is God speaking, doesn't happen? Or look like how we anticipated? What if what we think God means when he speaks to us, really is not what he meant at all. We heard correctly but jumped the gun.

A lot of people ask me how I know that God speaks to us and how we can tell the difference between our own voice and His. I have experienced the hard way, the importance of not just going off of whatever we "think" we hear but having a developed process that includes the art patients and discernment. A friend once told me a story of a man that thought he heard God say, "Go to Denver." So he jumped in his car and drove up from Colorado Springs. Once he got there he said, "Okay, now what?" And all he heard was, "I was going to say tomorrow."

I don't think people ask the question of whether or not God speaks. We all can agree that God is a God that is intimately involved in our lives and loves us so deeply that he does step in and direct us at times. We can also agree that we have His Word to speak through the darkness and help give solutions to our problems. Each of us has a brain and can recognize that we use it to make decisions that can be influenced by our world view, emotions, and others around us. All of these things play a part in hearing God; however, over the years I have also experienced what I like to call the still small voice. That soft voice that reminds us of which way to go, how God truly views us, and even repeats "I love you." a million times, until we finally realize those words were meant for us as a reminder because we had forgot.

So as we sit back and honestly as ourselves if God speaks, we realize he does. It's different for each of us, but the fact remains, it's scary at times to trust it. To walk in obedience when we know full well that it may not have been God at all, but instead our own desires. Some of us hear and jump, while others hear and analyze. It's not God that miscommunicates, it's us that don't allow Him to speak, have cloudy thinking, or misrepresent what he originally said to make ourselves look better or get what we want.  My prayer is that you can learn to trust His voice, develop the discipline to listen intently and completely and have the patients to wait until tomorrow if He wants you too.

Brandy

Doing 360's through life

This morning I sat down to let God know just how I felt about my life right now. After 20 minutes of ranting and rambling my thoughts slowed enough to possible hear God's. This is what I got, maybe it's something we all should hear. 

Brandy,

Life is not meant to be a rollercoaster. Our culture has succumb to this idea as a Godly approach to making it through life. I don’t want you to coast through life as if you were watching it roll by on a Disney attraction. Instead, my desire is shine through you and out of your into the beautiful scenery you engage in Get out of the coaster and live life, fully aware of my authority, my provision, and even my presence. Learn to trust my voice, my calling, and even silence as vital tools to expand my Kingdom. I am not silent because I want to frustrate you, rather it is my way of getting your attention. So often voices bombard you with what they think is “wisdom” and “counsel”, I long to give you something of truth and real substance. My prompting should be one that quenches a deep desire for direction, purpose, and fulfillment. My Wisdom and Counsel is not a cheap imitation of clarity and purpose, but is the very Light you need to survive. I am Light and as you walk with me you are walking into your calling not searching for it. I am the path that you are called to walk, to represent, and to develop. Like the wagons that traveled West on the Oregon trail, embrace your journey. As the elements, the trials, the joys, and even the deaths along the way present themselves to you don’t idly watch them roll by. By engage with each of them you are spreading Light, dispelling darkness, and finding my true joy.

1 John 1:5-7

“This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.” 

Find Rest My Soul

Over the past 4 months my life has been what most would describe as chaos. Actually, at times I would have to admit that I too have viewed it that way; however, my sustaining grace through all of the turmoil has allowed me to confidently walk each day knowing that the storm would not overpower my ship. During the darkest hours the passages in Mark have sprung off the page and brought the light that I needed to help guide me through the waves that seemed to be overtaking me. 

Mark 4:35-41 New International Version (NIV)
³⁵ That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” ³⁶ Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. ³⁷ A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped.³⁸ Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”³⁹ He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.⁴⁰ He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"⁴¹ They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him! 


First, let's look at what kind of storm is being described here. The NIV describes it as a furious squall, the New American Standard says that there arose a fierce gale of wind, and the waves were breaking over the boat so much that the boat was already filling up. Does life ever feel this? 

For me the rain started back in Dec. My mom had cancer and on my way to visit her my car broke down. What should have taken 12 hours took 23. I moved to Clovis, Ca to start the next chapter of my life, I had allowed myself to imagine what words would be written in this chapter just enough to get myself in trouble. My time here was suppose to just be until the counseling school at the Colorado Springs YWAM base started in April. In January I packed 2 masters classes into 6 weeks (bad idea). For six weeks every three days I had 2 ten page papers due. Somewhere in the midst of that I decided to put the school on hold and stick around Clovis for at least 2 years. I was able to transition into a new job and create some sort of routine; however, two weekends right off the bat were spent down in San Diego with my family as my mom went through the surgery and process of getting rid of the cancer.


Already feeling the waves getting stronger from the storm, February hit. Josh's parents were both sick with the flu, my dad was admitted to the hospital because his kidneys were having a reaction to his medications. For weeks it was nothing but sickness. I ended up with pink eye in both eyes, ear infections, and a small dose of the flu. My dad got better but had to go back to hospital to get some of his drugs regulated. All the while, Josh's mom was slowly getting better and his dad was getting worse. On February 12th we took his dad to the hospital. They sedated him and had to hook him up to a machine that pumped his blood for him. As the waters kept on rising and the waves seemed to hit the sides of my boat with such force I had no option but to cling to promises that God would calm the store. 
March didn't let up. My dad was out of the hospital only to get admitted again with the same stuff Josh's dad had. His oxygen levels were pretty low and the doctors were super concerned. What was I suppose to do, I wanted to be in both places. Supporting Josh and his mom was a priority but so was supporting my parents. How could I be in both places at once. The waves were huge and sadly I took a hit on March 8th as Josh's dad passed away. It hurt and has definitely left some damage. Two days after his dad passed away my dad got worse. My mom called and as she told me how bad things were I just cried out to God. What was I too do?!?!?!? 
Rest...
Rest, seriously. In the midst of so much the Lord is telling me to rest. 

Matthew 11:29

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

In the midst of such heart ache and down pour Jesus is asking me to let him rain down his peace and rest. To lean into his heart and know that everything will be okay. To find rest in the midst of the storm like He did as the disciples scrambled around the boat in the storm. I have definitely had those moments of screaming out to God, "Don't you care if we drown?" Don't you see God that my spirit is about to brake and this boat you've given me can't handle any more damage from these waves?

So, I wish I could report that the storm has finally calmed and that the Lord has led me by streams of still water, but it hasn't. My dad got out of the hospital and is now back in the hospital. Josh and his family are still trying to process through all of this and with each waking minute I feel the waters crashing around me. But what I can tell you.... without the rest of the Lord I wouldn't be nearly as calm or capable to walk through this season of my life. I trust that my Lord can calm the seas when he sees fit and I will hold on for dear life until that day.

Praying that you too can find rest for your soul as you face today's storm. Don't lose heart for 
these momentary trails are producing an eternal weight of glory far beyond comparison. 

Love,


Brandy

Taking a stab at being a poet...

Remember These 

written 1/28/2013

In that moment

It all seems to much 

The balls are up, 

about to drop

My spirit cries to my soul

Find peace

Find rest

Remember these truths;

He has not lost,

He has not forgot,

He knows and sees.

When the world is too hard too face

The calmness amongst the storm enters in.

Joy, sweet joy how loving your touch

My soul knows it full well

Remember these these; 

He hears your cries. 

There is strength, power, and life

In His name

He is more than able. 

This you know. 

This you trust. 

This your Spirit cries...

Amongst the brokenhearted 

The thorns and thistles

The sorrows

There is love

Rest and peace

Remember these truths;

He has not lost,

He has not forgot,

He knows and sees.

He hears your cries. 

There is strength, power, and life

In His name

He is more than able. 

This you know. 

This you trust. 

This your Spirit cries...

You just need to remember.

Seeing with 2 eyes

Starting in December I begin to pray for a new theme for the coming year. I begin by asking God to wrap up the theme for the current year by showing me how certain events or moments throughout that year played into the theme that I felt like I had got the year before. By the beginning of December I typically have a good handle on why the theme for the year was spoken to me and can start to pray into the next year. This is the most exciting part because it seems like for three weeks different words or images stand out. People all around me have no idea that I am paying attention to every word they choose to use. If I pick up on one word standing out more often than others, I start to question whether or not that word is the theme word for the coming year. Like every year by the second week of December I was fairly certain that the word for this year is discovery.

There were several circumstances and conversations that seemed to bring me back to this word. After deciding to move to California, one of my dear friends was praying over me and prayed that this coming year would be a year of discovery for me. I was talking with my elder at church one afternoon and he mentioned that I really had no idea what I would discover about myself by moving so far away and pursuing the things God had placed on my heart. My mom then mentioned that the doctors had discovered cancer in her body. This one word was spoken to me three times in less than 3 hours. As I began to pray into it I realized that for 2013 it truly is going to be a year of discovery.

Last years word was journey and although I knew it was the right word I had no clue what the year was going to really look like. I quickly realized that what circumstance the word journey was used determined the connotation of the word. Sometimes it was exciting and brought about this sense of adventure, while other times it was pair with this long and emotionally draining thought. So it has been hard to pin point excited what the word would really mean to me each year. For this year I want to believe that the word discovery is going to be fun and only lead to super exciting moments and memories. However, as I've prayed into it more since the year began I'm fairly certain that it is going to be more about discovering who I am and what is deep within me. Even more than that it's going to be more about discovering who Christ really is to me and how much I need him. So either way it is going to be worth walking into this year with a full understanding of what it may lead too, praying that it would ultimately lead me down a path that would make me more like the Son.

Usually by this time of the year I have a grasp on the goals for the year; however, this coming weekend we will be joining Josh's parents on their annual goal setting trip. I have chosen to hold off on setting goals until after that to see how God speaks and uses that time. Prayerfully anticipating some great words. :) Praying for you as you too begin to look ahead to what 2013 will bring for you and your family. May you live each day intentionally focused on what it means to walk alongside such an amazing Father.

B

"The real voyage of discovery consists in not seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."
Marcel Proust

12 hours of prayer

After 12 hours of horrific car trouble my wonderful Kia Sorento pulled into what resembled a reasonably safe hotel right on the border of New Mexico and Arizona. The sun had just set and although every part of me wanted to keep going, I was strongly encouraged to rest and just start again in the morning. For hours my car had decided to stop accelerating 22 times. From what I could tell it wasn't triggered by going a certain speed, driving a specific amount of time, or keeping the RPM's up to high. It just stopped accelerating. Each time my heart would sink, as I realized that nothing I did was going to change the fact that my car just didn't want to go forward anymore. The first few times I was so scared. Going 85 mph on the highway is scary enough, but to all the sudden lose the ability to keep up with the herd of cars around me was frightening. Trying to find a pull off on the side of highway 25 as you go down the Raton Pass is nearly impossible and if it wasn't for the fact that I could coast going 35 mph for a few hundred feet it wouldn't have happened. Each time my car would decide to act up it meant pulling over for about 5 minutes, letting it reset, then trying to accelerate back up to the appropriate speed to not get ran over by the other travels.

What a way to start a new journey in my life. My goal before I left that morning was to make it to Phoenix, Az. and then travel on to my parents house the following day. Spend a few days with my parents, soaking in their awesome love, and then travel north to Clovis, Ca to discover what life would be like living and working there. Now, as I sat in Gallup, New Mexico without any desire to sit in my car again I had to decide if I was going to push myself to stick with the plan or be flexible. Flexibility doesn't come natural for me. I have my plan and honestly when it doesn't work out the way that I picture it my attitude stinks. Even more than that I struggle with not wanting to disappoint others. I knew that my parents were expecting me, everyone back in Colorado was told that was why I was leaving five days early, and what would everyone say if I didn't go there first. Hadn't I told everyone this was what I was I doing and wasn't that enough to convince God to let my yes be yes and no be no. Didn't he know the plan? What part of the memo hadn't he received? Aren't we told to pray for things and expect them to turn out just as we prayed? Come on God, why did my car stop accelerating again? Was my faith not strong enough?

In the hours of driving that day I had so many frustrating prayers and conversations with God. One time I listed off all the things that I could think of to be grateful for, just to see if I could some how convince God to fix my car. For 48 minutes gratefulness rolled off my tongue only to result in yet another episode of ugly car syndrome. Seriously, there was no convincing God to just let me make it to Phoenix so pulling into what seemed like the safest and cheapest hotel in Gallup become my solution. Exhausted and ready to just be done, I laid in bed trying to process everything and at some point during the night I realized that it wasn't about my car issues at all. Fear, stress, and tension blanketed my body. My teeth hurt from holding my jaw so tightly, my shoulders felt like I was carrying an extra 100 pounds and my bank account couldn't possibly afford a massive car repair. Having barely enough money to start my trip, God sure was wanting me to trust that he would show up.  

Why was life so hard and not going according to the plan. I had prayed for protection and traveling mercies, got a peace about going down to San Diego earlier to see my parents, and was honestly trying to expect great things when I prayed. Yet, everything was so disappointing. I was scared, alone, and doubting my ability to hear or speak to God. Now, don't look to far down this rabbit trail. My relationship with God wasn't necessary in question, just how it was suppose to be walked out. For months I have felt like God has been asking me to dig deeper into what it means to pray. To discover the joys and excitement of a loving God who longs to hear and talk with us about every aspect of life. I have been trying to run to Him with my thoughts, worries, joys, and even questions. Memorize passages that remind me to ask, give thanks, and be expectant. Verses like the ones below kept coming to mind. 

Psalm 107:28-30 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven 

Matthew 7:7  ”Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." 

Matthew 21:22 And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”  

Mark 11:24  Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 

John 14:13-14 Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it

So why wasn't God answer. I realized that C.S. Lewis was right. 

“I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me.”

By morning I was ready to take on another round of painful car problems but instead of being frustrated, irritated, and pissed off at God I was flexible. One of the times my car died I was next to a small restaurant. After eating breakfast I got to talking with the waitress. She shared how hard life was and how they were going to have to shut down their restaurant because of financial problems.  I'm pretty sure she has some questions about God's faithfulness in the midst of struggles and unexpected circumstances, yet she seemed to have such a positive attitude about it. She even gave me a Christmas present before I left.

Getting to Flagstaff, Az. was going to take a miracle and as the city come into view my heart was relieved. Finding a mechanic that could help me was my main objective, but of course God had so much more in store. After three mechanic and 6 hours of sitting in the Kia dealership lobby I was on my way, full of joy and peace. My car was fixed and God had worked it so my warranty covered a huge portion of the bill and although I wasn't headed to my parents I was content with just trusting God to lead me.  Life doesn't always end up the way we pictured it and it is during those tough times that we have the option to get bitter or remain flexible. God doesn't always show up the way we pray for Him too, he holds back until just the right time to answer in the best way possible. Trusting that is the key to getting through this life as a Saint. So, it is my prayer that as you start your day, spend some time discovering the beauty of prayer. Ask God for things, bring your worries and struggles to him, and expect Him to show up in ways that you could never imagine. Don't lose heart because its trusting and allowing God to change your perspective and heart that truly matters when you pray.

Brandy

1215.7 miles to go

"Come to the edge, He said.


They said: We are afraid.


Come to the edge, He said.


They came. He pushed them,


And they flew . . ."

— Guillaume Apollinaire

French poet

What does it mean to fly? This afternoon I was watching the Peter Pan that came out just a few years ago. As I sat there listening to Mrs. Darling describe Mr. Darling, it struck me that we all have our own stories to tell. Stories that can be seen as grand, exciting, joyous, and even daring always seem to make the headlines. However, what about those that would be categorized as crazy, irresponsible, mistakes, or even flat out stupid decisions. Do we see those just as important as the others? Are we willing to admit that life sometimes doesn’t make since and its through those situations that we have had to walk forward not knowing what life will look like around the bend that mold us the most.  

“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.”

― Paulo Coelho, Brida

In 2006 I bought a one-way plane ticket to Colorado Springs, packed two suitcases and placed myself on a journey that changed my life forever. Now six years later I can testify that our God is more than faithful to guide, protect, and provide for those that take great risks to live life following His promptings. Over the years I’ve seen and experienced personally the still small voice asking us all to trust Him through the journey of life. To not be afraid when he calls us out of the boat and onto the water. No, I haven’t walked on water, but never once has this journey been boring. So far my life has been full of great adventures and even great sorrows. It has not been a fairy tale land like Neverland, but it also hasn’t all been poverty and regret. God has brought both into my life at different seasons to teach, mold, and transform me in such a way as to prepare me to fly.

On December 21^st I step out again on a new type of adventure. For a few months now I have been in a relationship with Josh Thiesen. We have been friends for a while, when we started talking about how we felt about each other we both felt like it would be important for us to be in proximity soon than later to know for sure if it was going to have a future. Originally we both thought it was going to be him moving to Colorado, but as things started to shake out, it made more sense for me to move there. This has not been a quick or flippant decision on either of our parts. As we have sought counsel from God, parents, family, mentors, elders, and friends it has become clear that this move could be the beginning of something great. Yes, there are fears that it could back fire and prove to not be what either of us is hoping; however, facing that fear is worth it.

I have been offered a job with Josh’s parents company as a project manager and office coordinator; although, it is a small business, job titles are hard to determine. Basically my job will be to use my education, gifts, and experiences to help both him and his parents with the business. Most of the details have yet to be figured out, but God definitely has me on a journey of discovering what it means to trust Him and allow Him to lead my life. To hold my expectations loosely and be brave enough to admit that sometimes life doesn’t end up looking like we originally thought.

It is my prayer that as I walk forward in this direction, you will see only a women that desires to be pleasing to her God. A women that is willing to lay everything down to serve her King and pursue the things that have been laid on her heart.

Thank you for being a part of this journey with me.

Brandy

Just $5...

I have picked up a new read. For a few months I have been reading different books on how to develop and sustain a healthy marriage, after the last one I realized that it might be good to start the process of healing personally. Not that it's not important to learn and grow in the knowledge of how to live life together as a couple, rather coming to a deeper understanding of how important it is to be as emotionally healthy as you can be before you enter into such a covenant. There are plenty of ways that the enemy will try to destroy such a relationship.  In fact it is very likely, that if both people are not fully aware of their own feelings, insecurities, weaknesses and wounds, he will attack there first.

Take for instance my fear of being irresponsible financially. For the past 4 years I have been facing head on the challenge to get out of debt. It has not been easy, but by the grace of God I have managed to make a lot of progress. It is still a work in progress and I am grateful that God is still providing every cent to pay off my debt. How does this example carry over to marriage? Finances are one of the leading causes of divorce. People can't don't take seriously the scriptures talking about finances and instead of opening up to their spouse, they hide the shame that comes with debt. I have read over and over again chapters talking about how important it is to be open and clear about financial expectations. Shining a light into the darkness of debt is huge in every marriage and as I have fought so hard to get this area of my life under control, it's scary to add in a new variable. 

For me it's not a matter of actually acquiring more money but rather being a good steward of what God has given me. My expectations on how too spend money have morphed over the years and are now at a point where I feel like I have a grasp on it. In the natural it seems like by adding in a second persons expectation it could only opens the door for the enemy to cause strife and frustration. Not because either person wants it to be there, but it is life and lets face it, the money aspect is tough to handle. We are faced everyday with tough decisions on how to spend what we have. We each have wants, desires, and even needs that need to be met by the finances that we acquire. However, I am coming to a deeper understanding of how important it is too continually run, scratch that I mean sprint, to the foot of the cross asking God to give you wisdom. 

What we have been given financially is not our own to spend. It should never have felt like it was my money to begin with. God has graciously given me much and as I learn to thinking biblically about money I pray that you too would sprint to the cross. For me walking will only leave room for the enemy to bring doubts and temptations, running doesn't seem quick enough, sprinting brings a clear understanding that you recognize with urgency the need to have God's perspective. 

Here is a website that I found that gives plenty of biblical references on finances. If you want, spend some time praying and meditating on just a few of them. Who knows, maybe God has something to say to you this morning. :)

B

Making the top 10 Superheroes list

Do you ever wonder what kind of super hero outfit Christ would wear if Hollywood tried to portray Him? Up until I sat down to write this post, I had not ever thought of this. However, now that I have, I am laughing at how ridiculous it sounds. Why is it that in my mind any super hero that truly deserves respect has a kick ass costume too come along with him. Sure, Superman could fly and lift massive amounts of weight over his head, but heck, he was nothing until he put on that red cape and tight blue leotard. :) What about Spiderman, he would have been a creepy guy if he wasn't disguised in this black spidery outfit. How gross would it have been to just see junk coming from his wrists?

Okay I think you get my point, the way that super heros are portrayed change our perspective on how awesome they are. What if I told you that I could portray Christ even more awesome than Superman and Spiderman without having to run to the fabric store and learn how to sew? What if I could prove to you that the power that Christ has is far more than those that we have imagined in comic books. He is beyond anything you could ever conquer up and the best way to see Him is not through costumes and special effects but instead through the New Testament stories. These stories scream greatness and from my perspective move Jesus Christ to the top of any top ten superhero lists out there.

I don't recall any superhero on the current list having turned water into wine. (Now I'm not saying this one first just because I truly enjoy my spirits, but of course from a strictly scientific perspective.) What about the fact that he just had to touch people and they were healed, blind men were able to see, and umm HELLLOOOO dead men were raised! What about the fact that he made food appear from thin air, enough to feed the crowds of people that were following Him around. Or even the fact that he calmed the seas with His voice, walked on water and through walls? How about the fact that he endured tremendous pain and agony, could have got out of being put to death simply by calling out to the gigantic angelic army standing by waiting for His call, or even that after three days He opened his eyes, stood up and walked to the highest seat of honor.

Now that's a superhero that I am excited to spend the next year discovering. That's right, for those that don't know, each year I pray about a word or theme that God may use to mold me and shape me into the follower that he desires us all to be. This next year's word is discovery. With that I have decided that it also means getting back into the mindset of a 4th grader. My goal is to read as many books as possible that will stimulate my adventurous side at a 4th graders level. This is all with the hope to create within me a since of imagination, so that I can see Christ for the true superhero that He. I don't know what will come from this coming year, but I do have a strong sense of expectation and excitement that it is the start of something great. Almost as if this feeling could be the same as the one that C.S. Lewis felt as he sat down to pen the first words of the Chronicle of Narnia? Who knows maybe I too will write a childrens book that will capture the minds of people all over the world, pointing them to the awesome power and might of our great King and Saviour.

Thanks for walking through life with me and reading my blog. It is my prayer that you too will be encouraged to  walk into the adventure God has been longing to take you on. Don't be afraid to step out of the boat and walk on the water. It will only lead to much joy and excitement.

May He be lifted up higher and higher as we look at Him through the eyes of faith.

B

Chapter 4 verse 20

A few years back I started reading through the New Testament twice a year. I am not sure why, but it is humors and even surprising to me how after so many times of reading through the same words, I am still blown away by passages that I read. Although, this isn’t an everyday occurrence, it happens enough to remind me that the book I hold in my hand is not just another book on my list of books to read. It’s living and breathing and the more I read it, the more it grows and deepens my understanding of what life truly is about, Jesus Christ.

Today’s chapters were from Ephesians. I once heard a pastor reference this book, he spoke on how the concepts found throughout the book of Ephesians were all centered on relationships. So of course now every time I read it, I too come to the same conclusion. For example, three years ago I was going through a rough time with a friend. These verses drew me back to the unity and need to put prayer first in all of my relationships. There was nothing I could do to “save” my friend from the path they were heading down and through Paul’s gentle reminders to bring it back to God, I was able to bring perspective into what my role was in the friendship.

And then another read through revealed to me the importance of remembering the unity amongst the body of Christ. We all have gifts and talents that have been given to us by God, these are to be used to build the body up. As we allow the unity of Christ’s grace and mercy to take root in our hearts, we can accomplish much.

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.”

As each person comes into the family of Christ with unspoken expectations there is a strong chance that we will disappoint each other. We aren’t perfect and although we strive to be, we wont get there in this life. Sorry to disappoint you, but I will probably screw up and give you plenty of opportunity to be pissed at me at some point in time. However, it’s through these passages that my heart is turned towards forgiveness and commitment to walking life with you.

I am sure that I could continue to look through my journals and find more examples to prove my point that God has used this book tremendously in my life, but that’s not why I am writing today. Today I am writing to encourage you to get back into the arena. Put on those socks and pull out those running shoes, because it’s time to pick up where you left off. Don’t stop here and allow the “knowledge” that you acquired in your youth or even yesterday to sustain you. Get a fresh word from God from the only true source we have, His word. Use it to learn how to live, how to love, and how to learn what it means to be more like Him. Ephesians 4:20 points about that we did not learn Christ by walking as children with hearts set on evil and dark things.

 “But you did not learn Christ in this way, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the Spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.”

Praying that your eyes will be opened to the truths found in His word and that you too would fall madly in love with our Mighty King, Savior, and Groom. 

B