So many times I find myself sitting in a room feeling as if no one truly understood where I was coming from, let alone where I was going. Did anyone honestly care that my heart, the most precious of things, was slowly being torn apart by my own ambition to feel love and acceptance. This longing so deep within that words themselves dare not to address them. For centuries those that had enough courage have been trying to express it but each time fall short to instead some idolatry expression that could never fully fulfill them anyway.
No it is only in the psalmist words do we see that one man was able to do what non other has. Capture the reality of our emotions. The ups and downs. The twists and turns so dramatic that the only thing keeping us on some sort of path would have to be supernatural. We find that in these words lies some sort of truth found within all of us. We have loved, hated, and despised in all sorts of ways and can not pretend that those feelings are not real. We have been alone, afraid, and even in despair longing for a miracle. Yet, why when we feel these things do we turn away and anticipate complete rejection from the only being that has felt all of those feelings and accepts us for who we are.
Believing over and over again that we are the only one in the room feeling as if no one truly understood where you were coming or going creates a vast hole within our very being. Yet, I would boldly say that the person sitting next to you knows what it feels like but can’t express the feelings any more than you yourself have been known too.
Loneliness, confusion, and hopelessness are all lies that the enemy tries to convince us that we could never relate to anyone. Have you looked around? Do you see women chasing after men or even women to find love. To find that person that could purposively fill that vast hole in their heart. They place themselves in situations that to the worlds standard should make them extremely happy, only to find out that it is still there. They turn to others, only to find that once again they have been hurt and left alone. What’s next? Substances? Addictions? Suicide through lonely cravings or painful expectations? Bitterness?
When does it end? By a knife or cross. Do you choose to wait so long that the only thoughts that bring life end it at the same time or do you hold out your hands and scream for the grace and mercy of God to save you.
Do you fall on your face and admit that you once again turned to jealousy and envy or do you run and hide. It is no wonder God had to ask Adam and Eve where they were once they had entered into this world of rare emotions. Is that what God is asking of you now. Where are you? Why are you hiding? Running from the only being that can truly fill that vast hole will never be a success. He is the only one that can truly understand your emotions and probably help you understand them.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Unedited and raw emotions
The desire to express myself through written words seems to have taken over these past few days. Like a spewing fountain of thoughts and emotions I spend my time trying to hold it back, hold it in this small black cave full of other longings and desires from the past.
How often do I cower away from things because I am afraid to really express myself for the consequences that seem inevitable. Those fears that seem to haunt me and control my life need to be broken. I have to stand in front of them exposed for who I really am and screaming for freedom. To embrace the emotions and feelings that come with words spoken. The void that so often gets abused and consumed with words harsh and nasty. To speak life into that black cave and allow the walls to be painted with new symbols. A new story to trace along the curves and bumps of the rubble.
What new song would I sing? Story would I write?
One of a woman confident beyond physical beauty. Head high and boldly convinced that her Lord was more than enough. No man, women, or object could even deter her from holding her God above all else. People from all around would hear her tales of bravery and boldness and strive to pursue the same goals and dreams she stands for. No, this would not be an ordinary woman. This woman would be different.
You may ask for some examples of what I mean by different but without first sugar coating it let me give a few examples of what normal would be.
Woman A
This is the closest to different that I can get. This woman is a woman that strives to know what she is living for. She dreams big dreams and achieves unbelievable goals but the whole time she longs for companionship. She knows that there is something more to life than just what she sees physically and as her heart is being tugged between the material world and the spiritual world she battles with feeling worthy of love and acceptance. Her response to this battle is to try harder and harder. Whether that be win more praise from man or more prestige from society she hides behind this mask of perfection and is praised for it.
Woman B
Like Woman A she is the closest to different that I can get. She wouldn’t stand out in a crowd but rather has a quite confidence that gets overlooked. She tries to live morally and with integrity but in a world that despises both is looked at as less than Woman A. Nothing about her physically would draw attention to the human eye but there is still a beauty that lay beneath. The mask placed on her to hide the rejection and brutality that was handed her from mere mortal man.
Woman C
This is a woman that received praise and prestige her whole life. Eyes turn when she walks into the room. Woman A and B long to be her. They torture themselves to be in her shoes while she struggles to sleep at night because she feels worthless and empty inside. No one wants to know her for her. They make her an icon, a standard to measure up to. Her slim figure never fails to be the apple of others eyes. Both sexes longing for what she has. She cries out but only gets a response of hatred and bitterness from others. Unbelief that she could possible be in pain seems to torture her. That one would find her intelligent or compassionate hides as a dream trapped in a genie bottle. So because the world demands it of her she sorrowfully places the mask of performs on and walks around pretending to have it all together only receiving the same praise that the mask demands.
These women all wear masks. One of perfection and praise, one of rejection and brutality, and one of performance. They all play there part for the same reason, acceptance and adoration. They hold tighter and tighter to their mask only to find that it never brings them completely happiness. For a season they believe it does but with one word, look or emotion their mask melts away and all that is left is a child longing to be loved and known for who she really is. A woman! Accepted for all the flaws and awkward shaped parts. Her thighs may be larger than others or smaller than others. Her breast may be gigantic or they may be unable to be seen. Her teeth may have stains or they may be completely straight. Her laugh may be loud or soft. But her height, her hair, her eyes, her nose, her feet, her hands, her ears, her skin, and even her intelligence will not considered when finally the mask melts away. All that is left is a soul and a desire to know that each of these women are worthy and lovely.
How often do I cower away from things because I am afraid to really express myself for the consequences that seem inevitable. Those fears that seem to haunt me and control my life need to be broken. I have to stand in front of them exposed for who I really am and screaming for freedom. To embrace the emotions and feelings that come with words spoken. The void that so often gets abused and consumed with words harsh and nasty. To speak life into that black cave and allow the walls to be painted with new symbols. A new story to trace along the curves and bumps of the rubble.
What new song would I sing? Story would I write?
One of a woman confident beyond physical beauty. Head high and boldly convinced that her Lord was more than enough. No man, women, or object could even deter her from holding her God above all else. People from all around would hear her tales of bravery and boldness and strive to pursue the same goals and dreams she stands for. No, this would not be an ordinary woman. This woman would be different.
You may ask for some examples of what I mean by different but without first sugar coating it let me give a few examples of what normal would be.
Woman A
This is the closest to different that I can get. This woman is a woman that strives to know what she is living for. She dreams big dreams and achieves unbelievable goals but the whole time she longs for companionship. She knows that there is something more to life than just what she sees physically and as her heart is being tugged between the material world and the spiritual world she battles with feeling worthy of love and acceptance. Her response to this battle is to try harder and harder. Whether that be win more praise from man or more prestige from society she hides behind this mask of perfection and is praised for it.
Woman B
Like Woman A she is the closest to different that I can get. She wouldn’t stand out in a crowd but rather has a quite confidence that gets overlooked. She tries to live morally and with integrity but in a world that despises both is looked at as less than Woman A. Nothing about her physically would draw attention to the human eye but there is still a beauty that lay beneath. The mask placed on her to hide the rejection and brutality that was handed her from mere mortal man.
Woman C
This is a woman that received praise and prestige her whole life. Eyes turn when she walks into the room. Woman A and B long to be her. They torture themselves to be in her shoes while she struggles to sleep at night because she feels worthless and empty inside. No one wants to know her for her. They make her an icon, a standard to measure up to. Her slim figure never fails to be the apple of others eyes. Both sexes longing for what she has. She cries out but only gets a response of hatred and bitterness from others. Unbelief that she could possible be in pain seems to torture her. That one would find her intelligent or compassionate hides as a dream trapped in a genie bottle. So because the world demands it of her she sorrowfully places the mask of performs on and walks around pretending to have it all together only receiving the same praise that the mask demands.
These women all wear masks. One of perfection and praise, one of rejection and brutality, and one of performance. They all play there part for the same reason, acceptance and adoration. They hold tighter and tighter to their mask only to find that it never brings them completely happiness. For a season they believe it does but with one word, look or emotion their mask melts away and all that is left is a child longing to be loved and known for who she really is. A woman! Accepted for all the flaws and awkward shaped parts. Her thighs may be larger than others or smaller than others. Her breast may be gigantic or they may be unable to be seen. Her teeth may have stains or they may be completely straight. Her laugh may be loud or soft. But her height, her hair, her eyes, her nose, her feet, her hands, her ears, her skin, and even her intelligence will not considered when finally the mask melts away. All that is left is a soul and a desire to know that each of these women are worthy and lovely.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Thoughts on life's emotions
Ever wonder why we are such emotional beings. Even those, like myself, who think they have perfected the art of not being emotional, still are. We just happen to not show them, or worse yet process them. There are several basic emotions that I have found important to look at.
Fear, Joy, Love, and peace are four of the most common emotions termed in the Christian sphere and from my experience the most misunderstood. Lets look at the emotion FEAR first.
Most recently in my life I have experienced this emotion. Now instead of walking it out and admitting I was afraid I turned inside myself and found a little cave to hide in most commonly called distraction. I wasn’t processing the emotion so it is this huge elephant in my life. Popping up as I walk from my car to my front door at night, in my room when I turn out the light and even worse while I slept. So yes I must admit that I am an emotional being just like everyone else.
So what is it about this particular emotion that drives us to stuff it down and not deal with it. To help us figure this out we must return to the definition of it.
According to Wikipedia.com “Fear is an emotional response to tangible and realistic dangers. Fear should be distinguished from anxiety, an emotion that often arises out of proportion to the actual threat or danger involved, and can be subjectively experienced without any specific attention to the threatening object.”
This definition only gives us a basis to start explaining how this emotion plays out in our everyday life. We can know the terminology by mere memorization but how is it lived out? Continuing with wikipedia’s explanation of fear we see that, “Fear can be described by different terms in accordance with its relative degrees. Personal fear varies extremely in degree from mild caution to extreme phobia and paranoia. Fear is related to a number of emotional states including worry, anxiety, terror, fright, paranoia, horror, panic (social and personal), persecution complex and dread.”
These emotional responses are not the only way that fear can be expressed. For many fear can also affect the subconscious and unconscious mind, most notably through nightmares. I would say that for me my fears can also be imagined, causing me to spiral into side effects that can also be imagined.
In order to identify this unhealthy root of fear in our lives we must be able to first identify causes and behaviors in ourselves. Most fear is usually connected to pain. Pain caused by physical injury or most common rejection from family, peers, or opposite sex. For many fear is used as survival mechanism that is ingrained in us. We are not even aware that we retreat into it.
The reality is that fear exist and if not brought into the light can cause physically and spiritual damage. "One of the things which danger does to you after a time is -, well, to kill emotion. I don't think I shall ever feel anything again except fear. None of us can hate anymore - or love."---- Graham Greene - The Confidential Agent (1939) It is important to identify that you are experiencing this emotion but we can not pitch out tent and give up. We must identify and bring to light our struggles or live a life that is bound by the enemies chains.
Now you may be thinking several things, “Well, yes so I am afraid and deal with fear but you don’t understand I can’t talk about it and do all that emotional counseling stuff.” Or you may even be thinking, “Okay, so I have to deal with it but how?” You are probably aware of the saying that the first step is admitting it. You just took your first step. You admitted that you struggle in this area and now it is time to bring it to the light, not with your own strength and timing but with the Lords.
We can not handle everything by our own strength. We need the only being that has the bigger picture and will not let us fall apart. He will hold us through the nights that are so dark and will push us to stand up to our fears with his strength. Ambrose Redmoon had it correct when he said,
“Courage is not the absence of fear,
but rather the judgement that
something else is more
important than fear”
“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.” Anne Frank was a women who lived through a season in the world when fear gripped each person personally, and nationally. Sirens and pounds on the door were things to live in fear of. One never knew what each day would hold. But even still this women choose to live these dark days drinking from the streams of living water found only in our heavenly Father.
For me it is not a physical war that binds me to these fears but instead like Marianne Williamson describes in here famous poem.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
fabulous, talented? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of the Spirit. Your playing small
does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that
other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of the Spirit
that is within us. It is not just in some of us;
it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”
So as of today this is my understanding of just one of those emotions mentioned above. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT:
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
H. JACKSON BROWNE:
Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is.
LOUISA MAY ALCOTT:
I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship.
MARILYN FERGUSON:
Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom.
C.S. LEWIS
No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Thoughts on Calling
Today I am reminded more than ever of my calling to global awareness. I have been struggling back and forth with this thing called “Calling” and am now completely convinced that it is from the devil. Honestly, when I stop worrying myself into a nervous wreck I am faced with the reality that I am part of the few percent blessed to even have the opportunity to discover my calling.
As mysterious as discovering my calling sounds it isn’t hidden. In fact it is right in front of my eyes. The thing that scares me the most, the thing that makes others question my sanity. You know that thing that makes no sense at all but gives you complete joy. I have found that it isn’t so much as what it is but instead how it is walked out that most people get messed up on.
Like I said before it is right in front of your eyes. There are few things that as human beings we are all called too. To love God and to love others seems to be the underlying calling on all of our lives. It is when things like money, fame, and pride get in the way that we reject our original calling and place a coat of idolatry on instead. This black coat creates a sense of individualistic selfishness that when played out destroys all hope for finding our true calling.
Although I may be overstating the simplicity of finding our calling it is important to try and understand that it is simply that easy. You need no lengthy self-discovery process, or even seminars on how who you were made to be. You must first and for most start with the general human calling and develop your specific passion within that calling. Yet, constantly being aware that your specific passion should never be more important than the calling to love God and others before yourself. Plenty of people have started off on this path and soon found that they should be happy. They have everything they ever dreamed of, and still they find themselves empty. While others have come so close to discovering true happiness but chickened out because the cost of self sacrifice is to much for them to handle. They can’t fathom laying done their right to have money, fame, and for some even a family in order to love God and others above themselves.
Sure, billions of people would say that they love “God”. But it isn’t so much this lip service or even physical service that makes the difference. The difference is in what the persons perspective on God is. For Muslims, Allah is this distant and non-loving God that only requires ultimate extreme sacrifices. Disregarding mercy and grace creates a society that can not even understanding calling to love God and others. They are instead called to conform the world to their views by force and sword. Now, Christians do not have the cleanest record either for this type of “calling” but it sure is not mandated from the God that they serve. Instead in most of these cases it has nothing to do with God but more to do with political gain or unrest between the different countries involved.
For Buddhist their only calling is to please the billions of God’s that are unhappy with them and can kill them at any point in time. They are called to be good people out of fear of evil spirits and curses. There is no calling to be a better person or to change the world instead poverty and malnutrition is believed to be the direct result of the God’s being angry at you. Hinduism is very similar but one difference is the idea that you are striving to come back as something, or someone better. If you can be a good person then in the next life you can avoid the horrible reality of coming back as a bug or worse yet as part of the lowest cast. The cast system is mandated by the God’s they believe in and enforced out of fear that they could be punished if they help someone rise to a higher cast.
Within each of these religious views there is a calling. It is not a lack of calling that inhibits people but instead what they believe their calling is and how it influences their perspective on life that can leave a damaging effect. We can talk all day about what our specific passion is or area of society that brings you joy but don’t mistake that for a calling. Your calling is to love God and to love others, it is through that calling one can change the world for good and bring light into people’s life that makes an eternal difference.
As mysterious as discovering my calling sounds it isn’t hidden. In fact it is right in front of my eyes. The thing that scares me the most, the thing that makes others question my sanity. You know that thing that makes no sense at all but gives you complete joy. I have found that it isn’t so much as what it is but instead how it is walked out that most people get messed up on.
Like I said before it is right in front of your eyes. There are few things that as human beings we are all called too. To love God and to love others seems to be the underlying calling on all of our lives. It is when things like money, fame, and pride get in the way that we reject our original calling and place a coat of idolatry on instead. This black coat creates a sense of individualistic selfishness that when played out destroys all hope for finding our true calling.
Although I may be overstating the simplicity of finding our calling it is important to try and understand that it is simply that easy. You need no lengthy self-discovery process, or even seminars on how who you were made to be. You must first and for most start with the general human calling and develop your specific passion within that calling. Yet, constantly being aware that your specific passion should never be more important than the calling to love God and others before yourself. Plenty of people have started off on this path and soon found that they should be happy. They have everything they ever dreamed of, and still they find themselves empty. While others have come so close to discovering true happiness but chickened out because the cost of self sacrifice is to much for them to handle. They can’t fathom laying done their right to have money, fame, and for some even a family in order to love God and others above themselves.
Sure, billions of people would say that they love “God”. But it isn’t so much this lip service or even physical service that makes the difference. The difference is in what the persons perspective on God is. For Muslims, Allah is this distant and non-loving God that only requires ultimate extreme sacrifices. Disregarding mercy and grace creates a society that can not even understanding calling to love God and others. They are instead called to conform the world to their views by force and sword. Now, Christians do not have the cleanest record either for this type of “calling” but it sure is not mandated from the God that they serve. Instead in most of these cases it has nothing to do with God but more to do with political gain or unrest between the different countries involved.
For Buddhist their only calling is to please the billions of God’s that are unhappy with them and can kill them at any point in time. They are called to be good people out of fear of evil spirits and curses. There is no calling to be a better person or to change the world instead poverty and malnutrition is believed to be the direct result of the God’s being angry at you. Hinduism is very similar but one difference is the idea that you are striving to come back as something, or someone better. If you can be a good person then in the next life you can avoid the horrible reality of coming back as a bug or worse yet as part of the lowest cast. The cast system is mandated by the God’s they believe in and enforced out of fear that they could be punished if they help someone rise to a higher cast.
Within each of these religious views there is a calling. It is not a lack of calling that inhibits people but instead what they believe their calling is and how it influences their perspective on life that can leave a damaging effect. We can talk all day about what our specific passion is or area of society that brings you joy but don’t mistake that for a calling. Your calling is to love God and to love others, it is through that calling one can change the world for good and bring light into people’s life that makes an eternal difference.
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Map of where I have traveled.
