Last week a friend asked me how long I had been depressed. Interesting enough, as I sat there like a deer caught in head lights, I began to feel tears run down my cheeks. This friend was not someone that I would have expected to pick up on what I had been so disparately trying to stuff down, now I sat on the couch completely exposed. Was it obvious, were others noticing too, how in the world did I let the cat out of the bag?
The next day I asked my sister what her thoughts were on my friends statement, "Well Brandy, I'd say since earlier this year." WHAT! She's known all of this time, I must suck at misdirection. Definitely never going to try my hand at the poker table. I knew I was displaying all the signs of someone depressed but I had no clue that others knew as well. Ironically, as it all sunk in, I knew it was time to face this thing head on.
On Sunday morning's I have been starting to lead worship for our church group, a gift from God that seems to haunt me at times. I am always asked to start leading worship when I am having the hardest time laying myself down at the foot of the cross. Knowing and living in the fear of wasting my talents I reluctantly say yes, and most of the time realize that God wanted to use this opportunity to finally brake through my man made barriers and slowly give me a glimpse of who he was to me in the midst of my emotional turmoil.
The Great Reformer, Martin Luther, once was reported to have said,
“Music is a noble gift of God, next to theology. I would not change my little knowledge of music for a great deal.” (Conversations with Luther, p. 99, as provided in A Compend of Luther’s Theology, edited by Hugh Thomson Kerr, Jr).
What is it about music that Martin Luther embraced? I am starting to think that it is the power it has to draw us out of depression and set out face upon the only true source of healing. One of his most famous hymns is A Might Fortress is Out God, taken from the pages of Psalms 46, Luther wrote a beautiful piece of music declaring how God was to be our refuge and strength, the one we turned to for help. In fact, he wrote 35 other hymns, each declaring the Lord's majesty and our need to constantly be drawn back to Him.
We also see the same display of music as therapy in the life of King David. Over and over again the Psalms are filled with lyrics that were sung by the Hebrew men and women. We see David pour out his heart while hiding in the caves from those that would seek to kill him. It is Psalm 139 that makes me wonder the most about how David used music to lift up his spirit during times of depression. In this psalm David declares that he wants the Lord to search him and known him. He recognizes the Lord's hand in his life and calls upon him to dispel the darkness by bringing the light. He marvels at the fact that he was fearfully and wonderfully made and reminds himself of just how much God has put into creating him. Like most Psalms, he wraps it up by laying his request before the throne of the Lord. He had developed a hatred for the men of wickedness and righteously cried out for God to make that hatred a perfect hatred, not a selfish one.
The final two verses are worth memorizing,
Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (23-24)
As I recall the statement from my friend and my sister's knowledge of how depressed I really have been, I remember that knowledge is half the battle. Just because I admit I am depressed I can't expect it to go away, what I can expect is that the Lord, if I am willing, will heal me, bring peace, and shine joy into the dark, dry areas. So it is with great confidence that I utter the same words that David boldly penned... Search me, O God.
Romans 8: 26-30
In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He alsojustified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.
Brandy
