Before the Victory March

It’s not everyday that you hear the voice of the Lord calling you out onto the battle field. I’d contend that it’s not even on a monthly basis that those faithfully following His calling on their life are called to drag themselves out onto the battle field to fight. Now I know that this sounds so contradictory to what our beloved pastors tell us about the Christian walk. It’s a battle, we should be waking up every morning ready to put the armor on. To take the words written to the Ephesians by Paul literally and mentally place the full armor of God on so that we can be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. (Ephesians 6:11) Don’t get me wrong, I believe that we are at war, it’s just that I don’t think we are on the battle field everyday clashing our swords, shooting our guns, and punching people in the face. (May have a few different movie fight scenes combined in my description of a battle, but you get my point.) For many this war is fought silently from home.

Each day we wake up and have a choice to fight our own flesh. To choose our selfish desires and neglect the opportunity that we have to train for the real battle. We give into our own satisfaction, felt needs, and dreams of financial success and forget that our days are not meant to be spent on us but rather in preparation for the day God does call us to fight in the battle.

Recently I have been reading a book by Dave Harvey called When Sinners Say “I Do”. It is a book focused on discovering the power that comes from have a biblical perspective on the purpose of marriage and how the Gospel must be at the center of such relationships in order for them to have even the slightest chance at success. There is a chapter entitled Mercy Triumphs Over Judgement that spoke specifically to me this week that I wanted to share. No, I am not engaged. Yes, I am in a relationship with a wonderful, godly man and if you know me at all you know I don’t take these types of relationships lightly. I have spent the past year reading books on how to develop godly characteristics within a marriage and more importantly as a wife. The thing I have loved about this book is that it is pointing out over and over again how central the complete understanding of the gospel is to our lives, regardless of our relationship status on Facebook.

“The faithful practice of lovingkindness sows experiences of grace into marriage... they are kindnesses sown into the normal routine of life. They are the grace moments that we draw on in times of trial.” (Harvey, 2007) These grace moments shouldn’t just be desired with your spouse. As I’ve searched for what it means to be a godly wife I’ve bought into a theory that for some may seem strange. My pastor once said that he would challenge those desiring to be married to stop looking for the right man or women and become the right one. The more as a single women I choose to fight my sin of selfishness, the more godly characteristics are sown into the fabric of my everyday life. If I can’t show lovingkindness to those around me now, why in the world would I expect to magically be able to turn a switch on after my wedding day. It’s almost comical how often this type of mentally takes root in our lives. I have talked with so many newly married couples and a common theme is that they didn’t realize how selfish they were until they got married. That’s funny, because I did. :) I wouldn’t have questioned that one at all. I’m selfish and its the actions that I choose daily that focus on training me up for the battle that matter most. One day I may be married, but until then I will spend every second fighting the sins that have a craving to disrupt the peace, joy, and beauty of such a relationship.

That’s what I mean when I talk about God not calling me to the battle field today. Instead, he’s called me to the training arena. To lift weights and focus on getting into shape for the day that he does call me out. 

Traveling On 2 Roads At Once

What to blog about seems to alludes me this morning. Not sure why, I often wonder if it is because of the vast array of subject matter available to blog about, but sometimes my screen remains blank not because of lack of topics to write about but because there is just too much to say. I want to share about how awesome our God is and the ways in which He constantly amazes me with His grace and mercy in my life and if I didn't reign it in I'd be sitting here forever. There's so many different directions that my blog could go each time I sit down to write, that to get it all out on the page seems overwhelming. Today more than ever this quote from Henri Nouwen comes to mind;

“Writing is not just jotting down ideas. Often we say: ‘I don’t know what to write. I have no thoughts worth writing down.’ But much good writing emerges from the process of writing itself. As we simply sit down in front of a sheet of paper and start to express in words what is on our minds or in our hearts, new ideas emerge, ideas that can surprise us and lead us to inner places we hardly knew were there."

It's almost like this blank screen in front of me leads me to two completely different roads, at the same time. One road being completely paralyzed by fear of having nothing worthy talking about and the other being so passionate about expressing my complete adoration and love for my Lord that I could go on forever and ever.

For one of my courses I'm reading Untamed Leadership: A Journey Through The Instincts That Shape Us by Brent Carter. One of the sections was on what prevents us from stepping into the leadership roles we were designed to fulfill. The poor chooses that we make each day and the things that we allow to overwhelm us typically are the culprits; however, we seldom recognize them for the evils that they truly are. It's my opinion that it's because we have yet to taste how good things could be if we just allowed God to lead us into our callings and dreams. We bury ourselves on purpose because we are afraid of our greatness (not in a prideful way but in such a way as to bring more glory to Christ) and honestly, this is what I do with my writing. I know that God has given me a gift to express in words just how much he deserves our complete praise and admiration, yet I often allow myself to become distracted and afraid of what others will think of my writing. If I only believed whole heartedly in the second part of the Henri Nouwen quote;

“One of the most satisfying aspects of writing is that it can open in us deep wells of hidden treasures that are beautiful for us as well as for others to see.”

There's beauty within that is screaming to get out and isn't that what this world needs. Beauty shining so bright that the darkness and ugliness of this world has to shriek back in fear. The enemy has no room to manipulate or interfere with our lives when we are walking into the beautiful callings God designed us for. May we all have the ability to recognize the instincts that are preventing us from walking into those callings and as we do may the grace of God supply everything that's needed to make us shine brighter than any possible lamp stand could.

So, if you want to be an artist, be an artist. A counselor, start counsel. A mentor, find a men-tee. A missionary, go in that direction trusting God to provide. For me, it's writing and teaching and as God has allowed me to place myself in a position to be able to whole heartedly pursue both, he's brought such clarity and peace. It hasn't been easy and I've wanted to return to Egypt at times, but as I stand on the brink of the promised land, I know the journey has been and will be worth. I wont stop fighting and moving forward in my calling until the day I die, mainly because Christ is worth it. He has proven to me over and over again that his words are faithful and true. He will supply my every need and although it doesn't seem to always be the way I imagined it to be, looking back its always been the best. It's my prayer that you too will fight the battle along this road we call life. Standing in the strength of the Lord, and seeing beyond a shadow of doubt His goodness in the midst of everything wanting to derail you.

You want to know 13 things about me?

A while back I wrote a poem on how Christ was starting to open my eyes to the dreams and desires planted within me. This poem was not to be taken literal but more spiritually. For the past 2 years I have been visiting a "life coach". This man has been instrumental in the process of what God was doing in my heart to get me back on track. I can remember sitting in his office the first day trying to explain to him why I was having anxiety attacks. Didn't he know all the stuff I was doing, how crazy busy my life was, it was no wonder to me why I was always stressed and couldn't breathe easy whenever I thought about my day, my week, or even my month. There was always something to be done, some project or homework assignment that I was falling behind in, someone to meet for coffee or a bill that couldn't be paid. However, he response was completely unexpected. For years counselors, pastors, and dear friends had all tried to help me eliminate things from my overstuffed Thanksgiving plate and yet there I was, completely overloaded and overwhelmed by life. 

So what did he say that completely changed my life forever. He told me that he was way busier than me and wasn't having trouble breathing.... Seriously, that's what he said. For a few minutes I just sat there wanting to for the first time in my life to punch someone. How could he say that, what kind of life coach was this guy! After a few minutes of awkward silence, he began to explain. He said that he sees more Christians walk through his door believing that the journey of faith and obedience is about doing rather than being. They have drank the lies of the enemy that the more you do for "Christ" the more you can prove to others that you are in deed a Christian. Sure, their faith is real. They can recite the gospel and even claim to be saved; however, there is one aspect they are missing. 

The being part of Christianity is the essential core of the whole message of Christ's resurrection and without it we are all screwed. A ticking time bomb of anxiety and fear of completely losing control of our preciously manicured lives. Was that the cause of me anxiety? Was he telling me that it wasn't the amount of stuff on my plate, rather it was my lack of understanding of who I was and ultimately the strength and power that comes only through the Holy Spirit living and breathing within me. I wasn't overloaded or stuffed to my breaking point because of my schedule, rather it was because I was living from the very small strength I assumed I had within me. 

For the past two years the refreshing reality of Christ's strength being the only true strength I have, has began to settle in. I have mediated and fought with God to bring me back to a place of complete dependency on Him and as a result there is finally a stirring. A great awakening of sorts within my soul to the calling and dreams He has placed on my heart. These coming months will hold great things for me and I am excited that you are reading along in this blog so I can share those things with you. I don't have the master plan or even the 5 year or 2 year plan, I do; however, know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it will great because it will put me in a position to shine the only true light that this world needs. Prayerfully allowing me to be an instrument God chooses to use to break others free from the same lies I was trapped in. 

B

P.S. 

Here are just a few scriptures that have been vital to me over the years. 

1. In Christ Jesus you were given grace before the world was created. 2 Timothy 1:9, “He gave us grace in Christ Jesus before the ages began.”
2. In Christ Jesus you were chosen by God before creation. Ephesians 1:4, “God chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world.”
3. In Christ Jesus you are loved by God with an inseparable love. Romans 8:38–39, “I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
4. In Christ Jesus you were redeemed and forgiven for all your sins. Ephesians 1:7, “In Christ we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses.”
5. In Christ Jesus you are justified before God and the righteousness of God in Christ is imputed to you. 2 Corinthians 5:21, “For our sake God made Christ to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”
6. In Christ Jesus you have become a new creation and a son of God. 2 Corinthians 5:17, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” Galatians 3:26, “In Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith.”
7. In Christ Jesus you have been seated in the heavenly places even while he lived on earth. Ephesians 2:6, “God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.”
8. In Christ Jesus all the promises of God are Yes for you. 2 Corinthians 1:20, “All the promises of God find their Yes in Christ.”
9. In Christ Jesus you are being sanctified and made holy. 1 Corinthians 1:2, “To the church of God that is in Corinth, to those sanctified in Christ Jesus.”
10. In Christ Jesus everything you really needed will be supplied. Philippians 4:19, “My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”
11. In Christ Jesus the peace of God will guard your heart and mind. Philippians 4:7, “The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
12. In Christ Jesus you have eternal life. Romans 6:23, “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
13. And in Christ Jesus you will be raised from the dead at the coming of the Lord. 1 Corinthians 15:22, “For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive.” All those united to Adam in the first humanity die. All those united to Christ in the new humanity rise to live again 

don't you know my words are spirit and truth... wait, what?

Didn't you know that what I think and am learning about God is the very same thing that you should be learning and thinking about. I mean seriously, your convictions are the exact same as mine, right? How could they be different? God would want me to judge you and point out your sin, right? Well, it's not like I am trying to be mean. I just want you to experience the same freedom and excitement as I have.

I know it sounds completely ridiculous, but these thoughts really go through my head sometimes. Okay not just sometimes but most of the time. It's as if my heart to teach others and disciple them tends to take on a judgmental and snooty attitude, rather the heart that God desires for me to have for others in the midst of their walk. This blog may come off more harsh towards myself but as I've said in the past, if I don't hate my sin I wont be motivated to rip it out and replace it with truth. I am not saying that I continue to beat myself up for being a jerk; however, if I ever come to a place where I think I have a handle on my sin, I have most likely stopped fighting it. I've become complacent and stagnate to the battle waging within me against all that I know and believe to be true. 

So, my sister can completely contest to the fact that often times I forget that I am not the Holy Spirit. I want so badly for others to move forward, making traction with their struggles, that I can get pretty passionate about "helping" them. I try to meet with them to just motivate them to get off their butt and start moving in any direction. Or I send them encouraging emails or text messages to remind them that they can step up and fight. There is even the quick phone call just to check up on them to see if anything has changed. Nothing... no progress.

For years this has been pretty disappointing, not because of the person not getting it but because I've felt powerless to break others from the bondage that they seem to care less about being in. Don't they know and see how much more they could be or were designed to be. Don't they know if they just listened to me they would experience life, not only that but abundant life. 

Does anyone else see a trend here... who's God. Me or God? It's not anything I am going to say or do that is going to break the bondage within these dear friends. I can't bring life to their souls, and quench the areas of their life that are so dry that they are screaming out for anything to moisten them. That's twisted and pretty narcissistic. If there is ever to be real change and freedom in my family and friends lives it is not going to come because I judged them or "motivated" them to action. It's going to be because God did. So rather than spending 90% of my time talking and sharing my own convictions with them, how about I pray 90% of the time and use the other 10% to just love on them. 

Don't I believe that if I have even a small amount of desire to see them succeed that God has an even larger desire? He is a good God and if I truly believe that he wants the best for me and is speaking to me, I would transfer that knowledge to others. So, if you are like me and think that your knowledge and conviction of Godly matters is the standard that everyone should live their life by, it may be time to re-evaluate. To draw it back to the only true source of change, Jesus. He knows the list of people that you are longing to see freed from bondage and trust me, he knows how to help them better than you could ever help them. He sees their true need and knows their true hurts and wounds that need to be healed. Don't neglect the power and beauty of our Saviors ability to come into our lives and do an amazing work. Pray for them. Pray and pray and pray and pray. Don't overstep into the role of the Holy Spirit.