Matters of the heart

So many times I find myself sitting in a room feeling as if no one truly understood where I was coming from, let alone where I was going. Did anyone honestly care that my heart, the most precious of things, was slowly being torn apart by my own ambition to feel love and acceptance. This longing so deep within that words themselves dare not to address them. For centuries those that had enough courage have been trying to express it but each time fall short to instead some idolatry expression that could never fully fulfill them anyway.
No it is only in the psalmist words do we see that one man was able to do what non other has. Capture the reality of our emotions. The ups and downs. The twists and turns so dramatic that the only thing keeping us on some sort of path would have to be supernatural. We find that in these words lies some sort of truth found within all of us. We have loved, hated, and despised in all sorts of ways and can not pretend that those feelings are not real. We have been alone, afraid, and even in despair longing for a miracle. Yet, why when we feel these things do we turn away and anticipate complete rejection from the only being that has felt all of those feelings and accepts us for who we are.
Believing over and over again that we are the only one in the room feeling as if no one truly understood where you were coming or going creates a vast hole within our very being. Yet, I would boldly say that the person sitting next to you knows what it feels like but can’t express the feelings any more than you yourself have been known too.
Loneliness, confusion, and hopelessness are all lies that the enemy tries to convince us that we could never relate to anyone. Have you looked around? Do you see women chasing after men or even women to find love. To find that person that could purposively fill that vast hole in their heart. They place themselves in situations that to the worlds standard should make them extremely happy, only to find out that it is still there. They turn to others, only to find that once again they have been hurt and left alone. What’s next? Substances? Addictions? Suicide through lonely cravings or painful expectations? Bitterness?
When does it end? By a knife or cross. Do you choose to wait so long that the only thoughts that bring life end it at the same time or do you hold out your hands and scream for the grace and mercy of God to save you.
Do you fall on your face and admit that you once again turned to jealousy and envy or do you run and hide. It is no wonder God had to ask Adam and Eve where they were once they had entered into this world of rare emotions. Is that what God is asking of you now. Where are you? Why are you hiding? Running from the only being that can truly fill that vast hole will never be a success. He is the only one that can truly understand your emotions and probably help you understand them.

Unedited and raw emotions

The desire to express myself through written words seems to have taken over these past few days. Like a spewing fountain of thoughts and emotions I spend my time trying to hold it back, hold it in this small black cave full of other longings and desires from the past.
How often do I cower away from things because I am afraid to really express myself for the consequences that seem inevitable. Those fears that seem to haunt me and control my life need to be broken. I have to stand in front of them exposed for who I really am and screaming for freedom. To embrace the emotions and feelings that come with words spoken. The void that so often gets abused and consumed with words harsh and nasty. To speak life into that black cave and allow the walls to be painted with new symbols. A new story to trace along the curves and bumps of the rubble.
What new song would I sing? Story would I write?
One of a woman confident beyond physical beauty. Head high and boldly convinced that her Lord was more than enough. No man, women, or object could even deter her from holding her God above all else. People from all around would hear her tales of bravery and boldness and strive to pursue the same goals and dreams she stands for. No, this would not be an ordinary woman. This woman would be different.
You may ask for some examples of what I mean by different but without first sugar coating it let me give a few examples of what normal would be.
Woman A
This is the closest to different that I can get. This woman is a woman that strives to know what she is living for. She dreams big dreams and achieves unbelievable goals but the whole time she longs for companionship. She knows that there is something more to life than just what she sees physically and as her heart is being tugged between the material world and the spiritual world she battles with feeling worthy of love and acceptance. Her response to this battle is to try harder and harder. Whether that be win more praise from man or more prestige from society she hides behind this mask of perfection and is praised for it.
Woman B
Like Woman A she is the closest to different that I can get. She wouldn’t stand out in a crowd but rather has a quite confidence that gets overlooked. She tries to live morally and with integrity but in a world that despises both is looked at as less than Woman A. Nothing about her physically would draw attention to the human eye but there is still a beauty that lay beneath. The mask placed on her to hide the rejection and brutality that was handed her from mere mortal man.
Woman C
This is a woman that received praise and prestige her whole life. Eyes turn when she walks into the room. Woman A and B long to be her. They torture themselves to be in her shoes while she struggles to sleep at night because she feels worthless and empty inside. No one wants to know her for her. They make her an icon, a standard to measure up to. Her slim figure never fails to be the apple of others eyes. Both sexes longing for what she has. She cries out but only gets a response of hatred and bitterness from others. Unbelief that she could possible be in pain seems to torture her. That one would find her intelligent or compassionate hides as a dream trapped in a genie bottle. So because the world demands it of her she sorrowfully places the mask of performs on and walks around pretending to have it all together only receiving the same praise that the mask demands.

These women all wear masks. One of perfection and praise, one of rejection and brutality, and one of performance. They all play there part for the same reason, acceptance and adoration. They hold tighter and tighter to their mask only to find that it never brings them completely happiness. For a season they believe it does but with one word, look or emotion their mask melts away and all that is left is a child longing to be loved and known for who she really is. A woman! Accepted for all the flaws and awkward shaped parts. Her thighs may be larger than others or smaller than others. Her breast may be gigantic or they may be unable to be seen. Her teeth may have stains or they may be completely straight. Her laugh may be loud or soft. But her height, her hair, her eyes, her nose, her feet, her hands, her ears, her skin, and even her intelligence will not considered when finally the mask melts away. All that is left is a soul and a desire to know that each of these women are worthy and lovely.