Growing up I only knew perfection. Now before you start to think I have lost my mind, I must explain what I interpreted perfection to be as a child. First, the examples were bountiful, or so I thought, of men and women that had their life together, that in so many ways I idolized. Second, that is what everyone was striving for and my little mind couldn't comprehend that someone would strive for something that they could never attain. Third, I was a child!
This all came crashing down one afternoon, I was 16 years old and my dad was in the hospital for trying to commit suicide. I knew he was unhappy, but lets face it... life is hard and we have bad days, months, and even years. However, I never thought my dad would just give up. Stop striving and pushing towards this demand for perfection.....
Now if you know my testimony, you know know that I "accepted" Jesus Christ when I was 14 at a youth retreat; although, that acceptances was a little skewed by my up bringing (whose isn't). All of these schemas that I had grasped onto to survive in the world still hung around. I had learned how to live the first 14 years of my life with this expectation of perfection and when I became a Christian I honestly didn't see the difference. I knew the story of Christ but those few inches from my head to my heart truly felt more like miles.
So, when my dad was walking out of the hospital that afternoon my world view was completely flipped upside down. I can remember talking with friends and asking them for advice as I trudged through the muddy waters of all the emotions; however, I can't remember one of them stopping to ask me why I was shocked that my dad wasn't perfect, that no one was, or could be. Or maybe if they did I wasn't ready to tackle that presupposition. Either way, I avoided this topic for the next 4 years. Although these 4 years were full of pain, confusion, and frustration I count them as gain towards the process God has me on for working out my salvation with fear and trembling.
At age 20, my life was a mess, yet to most it seemed perfect. I was the fun, spunky, energetic, and super "spiritual" youth sponsor; yet one summer afternoon I found myself standing on a cliff ready to jump. What was it that was driving me to think that life was not worth living if I couldn't get it 100% right? What was it that convinced me that the appearance of perfection was more important than the assurance of salvation from Jesus Christ's death on the cross? I read about it, talked about it, and even sang about it, but never truly believed it.
I didn't jump. I ran instead. No not off the cliff... although that would be fun with a parachute...
I would like to say that I ran to the arms of my Savior, but I didn't. I ran away. I decided to move to Colorado Springs, but by the grace of God that included joining YWAM. The first few weeks were horrible, not because YWAM was horrible but because I was being forced to deal with my own perfection or lack there of. It was impossible to run away from the truth of God's marvelous plan of salvation and grace when you lived with complete strangers, and were expected to share your whole life with them. Or when you share a tiny room and bathroom with 20 other women. Or when you travel around the world with 7 women and one guy for three months. You get to see it all and they get to see it all. All my lovely personality disorders on display 24/7.
So.... why am I writing all of this before I actually get to the scripture from Philippians.
Context!
This is where I am coming from and the things I had to go through before I finally recognized what Paul talks about in Philippians 3:3-7. "For we are the circumcision, who worship God in the Spirit, rejoice in Christ Jesus, and have no confidence in the flesh, though I also might have confidence in the flesh.... but what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ."
It's the battle between living under the law and living, breathing, and rejoicing in the grace of Christ and the abundance of the Spirit. "Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me."
As I continue to learn how to live in Christ's abundant grace, I pray that you will join me on this journey. That you would allow God to show you ways to grow mature in your thinking and that if in anything you think otherwise, God would reveal even this to you.
"Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified." (Galatians 2:16
"For by grace are you saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not the works, lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God has before ordained that we should walk in them." (Ephesiains 2:8-10)
"Not by works of righeousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us..." (Titus 3:5)
Brandy Kimes
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