Where I am at..

A few weeks back I had a conversation with someone that stung. Like the donkey in Shrek, my only response is that their words cut me deep. I haven't known how to handle all that they said, words that this person thought were so true and right, were not at all. They were hurtful and harsh, yet they were masked with words like, "I have been praying", "You know I am right", and "Others have noticed too." Instantly my defenses came up, which for me means silent tears. I wanted to react, tear into this person, but something stopped me. They were so wrong, yet for them it was pure truth. Nothing I said would change that. I couldn't defend myself, but it honestly was only out of selfish gain that I wanted too. What good would it have done to make them feel the same, to lay into them and make sure they felt the same pain as I did?

I politely hung up the phone and tried to go about my scheduled day. By the afternoon I was so emotionally spent that I took time off and just went home. Replaying the words that were spoken, probably misinterpreting them, making them way more harsh than they were meant to be, only made things worse. Poor Josh came over after work to a basket case of emotions and a rather pathetic attempt at dinner.

Days went by and it was still eating at me. I wanted to forgive and forget, but I also wanted to avenge myself. I picked up the phone to just let the person have it but heard a still small voice say, kill them with kindness. Not sure if that is a biblical concept, but it stopped me dead in my tracks. I had a change in thinking in that moment. No matter what I said to defend myself, somehow this person had come to this conclusion about me and I must have played into that. There must have been miscommunication between us and that is never one sided.  So like any "normal" person, I took this little nugget and twisted into something to help make me look better. If I stayed positive and put up a wall of defense, they would never know how much they hurt me. They would just be driven insane by the thought I didn't care what they thought and it made no difference.

Plan A failed... within 2 days I realized I was just making things worse and that Plan B would be even better, ignore them. Yep that was the best solution yet, if I didn't have any contact with them, they would realize how upset I was. Epic failure yet again. That plan never even took off long enough to last a day. How could I just ignore someone, that's just rude. So where am I at now? Well, I finally decided to look at scripture. Funny how that should have been my first plan, at least it made my top 3. :)

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6: 14-15)

The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him. (Daniel 9:9)

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:13)

Okay, so forgiveness comes from my Heavenly Father as a free gift. I am forgiven which means I should forgive others. But the interesting thing is in Mark 11:25.

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. (Mark 11:25)

I was not suppose to go to this person first, but to God. I was to have a conversation with my Father about how I was struggling to forgive them and duke it out with him, not the one that offended me. Why was that? If I had gone to this plan first, I would have realized that I love this person and could never imagine life without them in. I would have gained perspective on how my sin had played a part in this and how much I should stand in awe of the fact that His blood has washed me pure as snow. With perspective I can enter into forgiveness. I can walk forward towards reconciling with this person. We both have much to learn and it is only by Christ's blood that we both can stand and mend this relationship.

I just ask now for your prayers. Please pray that I can have grace and walk in the same forgiveness as Jesus does towards me.