Gaining It All Back

When I hear about someone that has lost something I am compelled to ask God to help them gain back everything that they had lost. However, gaining back what you have lost is not always a positive thing. Back in 2009 I started a journey focused on losing the extra weight I had been carrying around since I was 11 years old. At a young age I had gained a rapid amount of weight and my poor parents didn't know what to do. After seeing several doctors and trying different homeopathic ways we gave up. No matter how many hours of water polo and swim practice I never lost weight. Sure, my eating habits were not the best, but compared to some of my friends they were way better. For years I begged God to just take it all away and make me like the other girls that could shop at normal size stores.

In fact I can remember sitting in my room when I was 13 deciding to never eat again. That lasted 3 weeks! Then it was years of eating and throwing up my food. My freshman year of college I knew where every bathroom was and when there wouldn't be people around to ask questions. To my surprise even this horrible habit didn't help. I stayed the same round ball I had got accustomed to. A close friend finally helped me realize the importance of eating food, but all that did was help me gain more weight.

During my time in YWAM I found myself struggling through the emotions behind the struggle of any eating disorder, specifically bulimia or anorexia. My tendency to eat and visit a bathroom was still there, but I fought like hell to ignore it and eventually it did go away. Until 2009.

I am not sure what the connection was but one summer night I found myself reverting back to old habits. I knew that if I didn't do something fast I would spiral down back to the same level of self deprecation as before and this time it could be much worse. That next morning I called my friend that was a personal trainer. The months we worked out together didn't really make much difference in my weight, but it sure did help me build muscle and tone my legs, arms, and butt. After 6 months I still hadn't lost a pound! 2 dress sizes but no weight was bitter sweet. I decided to get a hormone pallet to see if there was something deeper going on. Sure enough, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).

What exactly is PCOS? Polycystic ovary syndrome is a condition in which a woman has an imbalance of a female sex hormones. This may lead to menstrual cycle changes, cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other health changes like weight gain. Basically, my body has this imbalance of hormones my blood sugar levels are off.  Insulin is a hormone that helps your body's cells get the sugar they need for energy. Because other hormones are off my body doesn't know when to stop producing insulin. An excess amount of insulin in your body over time leads to weight gain, which can lead to diabetes if not taken care of. 

So with is information I started talking with the doctors about different medications I could get on to help me balance out. I was put on two different ones. One was to help balance the hormone and the other was to help with my appetite. Within one year I had lost 45 pounds! Then the next year I lost 25. I felt great and even managed to keep up with same exercise routine. 5 days a week I was teaching swimming or water aerobics so my body loved me. 

It wasn't until I moved to California in 2013 I realized just how important exercise really is for my body type specifically. I went from lots of movement, back to a desk job. Plus it didn't help that the last two years have been the most emotionally trying times of my life. The very thought of handling my weight has been overwhelming. I was lucky to fit into my wedding dress after gaining 30 pounds! Even this past year I have gained it all back. 

That is why I titled this gaining it all back. Sometimes the process of gaining things back is painful. We all have lost something and sometimes the last thing we want is to gain it back. I can't begin to describe the pain that I felt as I watched 3 years of my life go to waste. Going to the doctors every 6 months just to see the scale go up once again. However, as I start this new year I know that these years of struggle have not gone to waste. There is this sense that I have grown more as a person these past two years and that in itself has helped prepare me for the process of getting healthy once again. My identity is not tied to what size of pants I can fit into and it sure is not defined by what that stupid metal scale says at the doctors office.

Each new year I ask God to give me a word or phase to help guide my year. This year it is gaining it all back. I have this strong feeling that this year will help define who I really am more so than any other year and that these past few years will prove to of inexpressible worth through that process.